


To Be Conscious

by IStay77



Category: The Young and the Restless
Genre: F/F, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Messa - Freeform, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Teriah - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-22
Updated: 2019-05-28
Packaged: 2019-11-28 04:21:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 30,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18203450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IStay77/pseuds/IStay77
Summary: This is a multi-chapter follow-up to "To Be in Silence." It has themes of depression, ptsd, and suicide. Be assured that there is NO character death in this story.





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> Phyllis is a character in this fic. I wrote it with Gina Tognoni's Phyllis in mind. That is the only Phyllis I recognize.

The wind picked up, causing strands of Tessa’s hair to fly into her face. She whipped her head to the side to clear it from her eyes and nearly lost her balance. Steadying herself, Tessa looked down at the ground below her. Everything seemed so small from up here. The people, the cars, all going about their business like they hadn’t a care in the world. She was supposed to be one of them. Society expected it from her. But, how? How could she go on like everything was fine? How was she supposed to act normal like her life wasn’t falling apart around her? How could she ignore the deep pit of despair in her gut, the self-loathing she wrapped around herself like a blanket? How could she run from the awful things she’s done and just pretend to be like everyone else? She wasn’t like everyone else.

For starters, she hated herself. Tessa was fairly certain the many residents of Genoa City didn’t have that problem. She was completely incapable of doing the right thing. Her soul was dark and there wasn’t a single redeeming quality about her. What’s worse is that she knew she could never change. Darkness was in her blood, it was genetic, out of her control. The only reason Mariah is still with her is because Mariah is a saint. She’s the best person Tessa has ever met. Her soul is light and full of love. But, even Mariah has her limits and Tessa was certain she’d eventually push her too far.

So, that’s how she found herself in her current position, poised on the ledge at the rooftop. She’s not even sure how she ended up here. She just had a desire to look out over the city and the rooftop was the only place she could think of to see it. She had gone to the quiet corner where the smokers gather and just climbed up onto the ledge. The view was spectacular and it should have made her happy, but as she felt a tear streak down her face Tessa realized happy wasn’t happening, which was fine with her because she didn’t deserve it anyway.

“Not really a safe place to be standing,” she heard a voice behind her, immediately recognizing it.

“Leave me alone,” Tessa said, staring off into the distance.

“Why would I do that?” Phyllis asked. “Maybe I want to see if you jump.”

“Please go away,” Tessa insisted. “I have nothing to say to you.”

“Okay, then you can listen,” Phyllis kept her distance, not really sure if she was doing the right thing. They weren’t friends. Not even close. But, that didn’t mean she wanted to see her die. Pulling her cell phone from her purse, Phyllis discreetly texted Mariah telling her Tessa was in trouble and to get to the rooftop immediately. With Tessa’s back to her, she was able to send the text without her knowing.

“I don’t suppose you have a cigarette?” Phyllis joked. Tessa didn’t react, just continued to stand and stare. “Look, we’re not friends and I don’t know why you’re up there, but what can I say to get you to come down?” When Tessa still didn’t respond, Phyllis really started to worry. She didn’t know the first thing about Tessa other than she sings, dates Mariah, and once blackmailed her for a quarter of a million dollars.

“Did something happen with Mariah?” She guessed. “Because whatever happened I can guarantee it’s not worth dying over.”

“Why do you care?” Tessa finally said. She was tired and talking was a struggle. She just wanted to close her eyes and spread her arms out.

“I don’t,” Phyllis said, matter-of-factly. “But, Mariah is a good person and I wouldn’t want to see her hurt. If something happened to you, I suspect she would be hurt.”

“She’ll get over it,” Tessa answered. “She’s better off without me.”

Silence surrounded them. Phyllis’s mind was racing. She had no idea what to do next. She knew she had to keep the other woman talking until Mariah got there, but how? She couldn’t have it on her conscience if Tessa jumped. There was enough there already.

“Tell me how she’s better off without you? I haven’t known Mariah long, but I’ve never seen her happier. She took you back after you blackmailed her mother! Why would she do that if she were better off without you?” Phyllis took a couple of steps forward as she spoke. Tessa didn’t seem to notice.

“I will only continue to hurt her,” Tessa cried. “It’s what I do. It’s…it’s what my father taught me.” Hanging her head at the admission, Tessa watched as a tear fell. She watched it fall, getting smaller, until she couldn’t see it anymore.

“Tell me about him,” Phyllis said. She didn’t really care all that much about Tessa’s father, but she was happy the other woman gave her the opening to ask a question and keep the conversation going.

“He was a monster,” Tessa said, taking a deep breath.

Taking another small step forward, Phyllis tried thinking of more questions to keep her talking. “Victor monster or J.T. monster?”

Tessa didn’t answer at first, just looked far off into the night, distracted by the memories and voices in her head. “J.T.,” she finally said, sucking in a breath as fresh tears fell from her eyes.

“Oh, I didn’t know,” Phyllis said, inching closer still. Tessa’s admission caught her off guard. She never gave Tessa’s life much thought, but if she had this probably wouldn’t have surprised her. She knew about Tessa living in her car before Nikki took her in. Past that, she hadn’t really thought about it.

“So, was it physical abuse? Emotional? Both?” Phyllis felt like she was in an alternate reality having this conversation with the woman who blackmailed her and three others. Plus, she never thought she’d be in a place to feel sorry for the other woman. That was unexpected.

“He’s the reason I’m like this,” Tessa cried. “It’s his blood in my veins. I can’t make a good decision even when I’m trying to.”

“Oh, I don’t think that’s true,” Phyllis responded. “Yes, you’ve made some bad decisions. But, you’ve also made some good ones.” She paused, getting even closer to Tessa now. If she reached her arm out and leaned forward she would be touching her. “Like, you fell in love with Mariah, probably your best decision ever.”

Tessa huffed at that and turned her head down and to the side. She knew Phyllis was getting closer to her, but she wanted to see how close. Making brief eye contact with her, Tessa turned back to the view in front of her, not saying anything in response.

“And you tried to fix what you did, when you testified. It’s not your fault that everything came out. It’s was Christine. She’s ruthless and very good at her job.” Phyllis said, inching even closer. Hearing footsteps, she turned around and saw Mariah just arriving. Phyllis quickly put a hand out, indicating that Mariah shouldn’t come any closer. Tessa was FINALLY talking and Phyllis was afraid if they were interrupted now it wouldn’t end well. She needed to find the right moment to bring Mariah into this. Looking back at the woman standing on the ledge, it seemed as though she was unaware a third person had arrived.

Mariah had broken several traffic laws on her way to the rooftop. Phyllis’s text was cryptic, but urgent. She battled all kinds of awful thoughts on the drive over. Now she sees it was even worse than she thought. _Oh God, Tessa, please…_

Phyllis reached out, hands gripping the concrete ledge about a foot from where Tessa stood. The taller woman didn’t react. Trying to seem casual and not at all as nervous as she was, Phyllis leaned into the ledge, resting her elbows on it and leaning over as though she were just there to check out the view. Tessa looked down at her, quietly, trying to wrap her mind around how she got here and how Phyllis was the one trying to talk her down.

“I’m sorry, you know,” the taller woman said. Phyllis looked up and made eye contact, nodding. “I was only trying to protect my sister, but of course I screwed it all up. Everything I touch I ruin.”

“Now THAT I understand,” Phyllis said. “I have the same affliction.”

Tessa regarded her for a moment, a look in her eye that made Phyllis think she was making headway. She gasped as Tessa bent her legs, arms coming down to brace herself on the ledge as she moved into a sitting position, legs dangling over the ground below. They were closer to the same height now and Phyllis could tell by the look in her eyes that Tessa was coming back to the present. At least she hoped.

“Do you feel bad about the things you’ve done?” She asked Tessa.

“Do you?” Tessa clapped back, shoulders hunched over as she looked down at the hands in her lap before gripping the ledge again.

“Yes,” Phyllis admitted. She looked up at Tessa, eyes sad. “But Tessa, I gotta tell you, if I had been in your position I probably would have done the same thing, or worse. If it were my family I was trying to protect, I would have done anything to get that money. We are more alike than you know.”

Squinting at her, Tessa had a flash of something Mariah once told her about Phyllis and Victor.

“How did you get over it?” She asked.

“Get over what?” Phyllis asked, genuinely confused.

Mariah was listening intently, panic running alongside the blood in her veins. She kept shifting from foot to foot, trying to stop herself from leaping forward to get to Tessa. She could hear their conversation and the tone of Tessa’s voice scared her. She’s seen Tessa break down before and she’s seen her shut down. This was something similar, but also completely different. She should have seen this coming. Tessa has been on a downward spiral since the kidnapping and no matter what Mariah has tried she can’t seem to get her out of it. She should have done more to help her.

“Mariah told me about what Victor did a few years back, about the fake Jack.” Tessa said. “It must have been awful finding out you were sleeping with an imposter.”

Phyllis was shocked this was coming up, but didn’t react. She stayed silent for a moment, trying to think of how to respond. Why was Tessa bringing this up? What happened to her was essentially rape and she was still upset that Victor pretty much got away with it. It hit Phyllis then. Physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse. She exhaled and bowed her head. Now she truly felt sorry for the woman next to her.

“Tessa, did your father,” she paused, trying to find the right words, but Tessa knew what she meant.

“No, not him. He did everything but.” Tessa said, sadly.

Hearing that made everything click into place for Mariah. She remembered a conversation they had back when Crystal was mixed up in the sex trafficking ring.

_“It got to the point where I couldn’t count on my dad to protect me. I couldn’t count on anyone.”_

Tessa’s drug-dealing father had all sorts of people coming in and out of their home when Tessa was growing up. She told Mariah she eventually reached an age where the men started looking at her differently, like they wanted something from her. While retelling the story, Tessa made it sound like that’s when she decided to leave home. Mariah had always wondered if any of those men had actually touched her, but figured Tessa would tell her when she was ready.

“I’m sorry that happened to you. All of it.” Phyllis said, leaning into the ledge a bit more. “But, it helps me understand you a little better, everything that you did. What did Mariah say when you told her?”

Tessa started crying again, guilt washing over her.

“I didn’t,” she said between sobs. “I couldn’t tell her what they did to me. She’d see that I’m not worth it, that I’m too damaged.”

Phyllis looked back at Mariah, who was openly crying now herself. She put her hand out again so Mariah would stay back. She was almost ready to bring her in, though. Tessa had given her the opening she needed.

“Mariah would never think that and deep down you know that’s the truth.” Phyllis reasoned.

“No,” Tessa cried. “And, she’s too good of a person to leave me just because of that. I don’t want her with me out of pity.”

“What if Mariah looked you in the eyes and told you she loved you no matter what you’ve done, or what you’ve been through,” Phyllis asked. “Would you believe her then?”

Tessa didn’t answer. Shaking her head a little, she looked up at the stars and then back down, closing her eyes and letting more tears fall. Phyllis decided it was now or never. She reached for Tessa’s hand where it rested on the concrete ledge next to her, slowly, so as not to startle her. This could be the absolute wrong thing to do, but Phyllis knows when she’s down on herself it has always helped when someone shows her a kindness, not that it happens often. Hoping she and Tessa were similar in that regard, she spoke. “Why don’t you come down and we can find Mariah?”

Sniffling, Tessa nodded. “I wasn’t going to jump,” she said, as she took Phyllis’s hand and swung her legs around so she could hop off the ledge. Phyllis breathed a sigh of relief when Tessa’s feet were firmly on the rooftop floor.

“Mariah?” Tessa finally noticed the redhead’s presence. “How long have you been here?”

Mariah, who had been sobbing while observing the interaction between the two women, took three quick strides until she was in front of Tessa. She took her face in her hands and wiped at the tears on Tessa’s cheeks while her own continued to fall unabated.

“I love you so much and there is NOTHING you could tell me that would change that,” Mariah told her. Tessa tried to drop her head, shame filling her eyes, but Mariah wouldn’t let her. “You are not to blame for the things that happened to you. You were just a kid. Someone should have been there to protect you. Tessa,” her voice broke as she choked down a sob. “You are worthy of my love, remember?”

Tessa remembered when Mariah said those words to her before, after she found her in the woods the second time. They had talked for hours and she felt so much better after, but that feeling wore off. Her demons were too strong.

“I’m so sorry, Tessa,” Mariah tearfully said. “I should have seen that you need more help than I can give you.”

“I wasn’t going to jump,” Tessa said quickly. “I’m not even sure why I got up there in the first place.” The admission scared Mariah, but if Tessa were honest with herself, she would admit that it scared her as well. “I want to tell you everything, Mariah. I…I’m ready to tell you everything.”

Nodding, Mariah released Tessa’s face and took both of her hands. “Okay,” She whispered. “Let’s go home?”

Mariah turned to Phyllis, who was looking a tad bit uncomfortable after having witnessed their brief conversation. “Thank you,” she said, words heavy with the weight of her concern for Tessa. Phyllis shook her head and put a palm up indicating no thanks were needed. She really felt for the former singing barista, so today was full of surprises. In another time and place they probably could have been friends.

Phyllis watched the pair leave and took a deep breath in. She turned and looked out over the city again, hands on the concrete ledge. She was trying to imagine what it would take to drive her to what Tessa almost did. Deciding it probably wouldn’t take much, Phyllis pushed the thought out of her mind. She ran a hand over her hair, fixing any damage the wind had done, and left.


	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tessa tells Mariah what happened to her as a child.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The same trigger warnings from chapter one apply here. 
> 
> Also, @FridayInCanada should pretty much get co-writing credit on this since I picked her brain so much and she gave me so many fantastic ideas for this chapter and future ones.

Tessa had fallen asleep in the car on the way home, the emotions of the day apparently too exhausting. Mariah thought she looked so peaceful and, after pulling into her parking spot and shutting off the engine, she just wanted to let the other woman sleep. They would have to go in eventually, but for the next few minutes Mariah simply wanted to look at Tessa.

She had been so naïve thinking she would be enough to help Tessa get through her past traumas. Mariah never once thought Tessa would intentionally hurt herself, but tonight it certainly seemed likely. Scarier still was the fact that Tessa’s life was in Phyllis’s hands for a while there. Mariah had never felt so helpless.

As she watched her girlfriend’s chest rise and fall with her breathing, Mariah started thinking about what happens next. If she can’t help Tessa, who can? It would be imperative to get her to talk to a professional, someone who could help her deal with her past so she can move forward. Even though she told Mariah she never would have jumped, the redhead was extremely concerned that Tessa was suicidal and she was already internally struggling with how she was ever going to let Tessa out of her sight again.

Mariah briefly closed her eyes and sent up a prayer. _Please, please help me get her through this._

Looking back over at her sleeping girlfriend in the passenger’s seat, Mariah noticed her brow scrunch up and heard a quiet, pained moan. Nightmares. They were becoming more and more frequent as of late. Mariah was now desperate to know what they were about, even though she knew it would break her heart.

“Tessa,” she said, gently laying a hand on her shoulder. She needed to wake her, but was afraid to startle her.

“Stop,” Tessa whimpered, still deep in her dream.

“Tessa, it’s me,” Mariah said a little louder this time, hand smoothing over Tessa’s shoulder and down her arm. “You’re safe, baby.”

Tessa jerked awake, wide eyes scanning her surroundings before remembering where she was and who she was with. She looked down at the hand that was still on her arm, gently anchoring her to reality. Breathing deeply, Tessa placed her hand on top of Mariah’s and gave it a little squeeze.

“I’m sorry. I fell asleep,” she said.

“You’re exhausted,” Mariah reminded her.

“Mariah,” Tessa began, looking down at her hands. “I wouldn’t have jumped. I just,” she looked at her, eyes glossy. “I don’t know why I got up there in the first place. I just wanted to see the view.” Hanging her head, Tessa spoke more softly. “I’m scared.”

“I’m scared, too,” Mariah admitted. Taking Tessa’s hand in hers, Mariah squeezed it. “Let’s go inside.”

\-------------------------------------

Once they got inside their apartment, Tessa went straight for the couch. Sitting down, she wrapped herself in the ugly green blanket that she pretends to hate, but actually loves. She brought her feet up onto the couch, legs bent at the knee so she could wrap her arms around them, chin resting on her knees.

“Do you want some tea, or anything?” Mariah asked her, nervous at the silence. Tessa shook her head and looked up at Mariah.

“I want to tell you…everything, before I chicken out,” she swallowed hard.

Mariah wanted to tell her that it was okay, that she didn’t need to tell her anything until she was ready. But, that’s what she said last time and Tessa ended up on a ledge overlooking the city. Tessa not talking about it hasn’t been working.

Sitting down on the couch, Mariah kept a couple of feet between herself and Tessa. It was difficult not to reach out for her, but she didn’t want to do anything at this point without Tessa’s consent. She was pretty sure what Tessa was about to tell her and Mariah was prepared to be whatever Tessa needed her to be in this moment.

Tessa cleared her throat before speaking.

“Um, I told you about the guys my father had over all the time when I was younger?” When Mariah nodded, Tessa continued. “They started looking at me differently. I was young, but I knew what they wanted. I knew I had to get out of there. But, you can’t just leave home with no money and no job, especially when you’re not an adult yet.”

“The first time it happened, I didn’t tell anyone,” she looked down, focusing her attention on the coffee table, unable to look her girlfriend in the eyes. “I knew that wasn’t what sex was supposed to be, but I thought I had done something wrong. I was sure it was my fault.”

Mariah, listening intently, had to stop herself from balling her hands into fists. She could hear the blood roaring in her ears as she clenched her jaw. She was right. Those bastards touched Tessa. It was all she could do not to break something, but Mariah knew this wasn’t about her anger. This was about Tessa.

“When I told my father after the second time, he blamed me. He said I must have done something to provoke it. He called me trash and said I should charge for it to help the family out.” Tessa continued to stare at the coffee table in front of her, her mind taking her back in time. “After a while, I started to worry that Crystal would be next. But, she was still so young. Besides, I was the one who deserved it, right? Crystal was so good and never caused problems. I was the one who talked back, who always made a mess. I was the one that was a problem.”

“One day when I got home from school, I walked in the front door and…” Tessa paused at the memory, eyes squinting. “My dad just hit me out of nowhere. Usually I would get some kind of warning that it was coming, but that day…it was like he had been lying in wait, ready to hit me the second I walked through the door.”

“God, Tessa,” Mariah said quietly, shaking her head and fighting back tears. Tessa was clearly stuck in the memory because she didn’t look at Mariah when she spoke.

“I just remember everything being fuzzy after that. There was this loud ringing sound and I felt like I was going to throw up. Someone picked me up. I know I was crying because they told me to shut up. I must have passed out after that. But, um,” pausing to swallow hard, Tessa hadn’t even noticed yet that she was crying. The tears just fell down her face and onto the blanket around her. “When I woke up I was in the crawl space under the stairs. I was so…confused. I remember pounding on the door, but no one came. It was so dark and my head hurt so badly.” She choked loudly on a sob and wrapped her arms even tighter around herself.

“I think I was in there for days. I remember being hungry,” Tessa’s eyes were still on the coffee table, but Mariah could tell she wasn’t seeing it. She was miles away. “When the door finally opened, it was one of my dad’s friends. This creepy, drug addict,” she paused again, taking a deep breath. “He pulled me out and dragged me to my bedroom. I remember screaming and fighting. I just didn’t want to go through it again.” She was now crying uncontrollably, a state Mariah hadn’t seen her in since rescuing her from the woods after the kidnapping.

Tessa, still holding her legs close to her chest, let her head fall onto her knees as she sobbed. Mariah couldn’t hold back any longer and reached a hand out. Not wanting to startle the other woman, she very gently put her hand on Tessa’s shoulder. The touch made Tessa cry even harder and lean her body towards Mariah. That was opening the redhead needed. She scooted closer and wrapped her arms around Tessa’s shaking frame.

Mariah’s brain started working overtime. She understood Tessa, probably better than anyone, but this made her understand her even more. Of course Tessa was shaken when she came home on Thanksgiving to find Victoria lying in wait. It all makes sense now. Mariah remembered how, just a couple of days later, Tessa was waiting for her when she came home. And, being kidnapped? Having a bag over her head, being forced into darkness, and shoved into a car more than likely dredged up the trauma of being locked in a crawl space and then dragged off for more abuse. Tessa’s breakdown in the car that night was about more than just the kidnapping, which Mariah already knew, but now had completely confirmed.

“You don’t have to keep this inside anymore,” Mariah told her, hand smoothing the hair on Tessa’s head as she held her. She knew Tessa was good at compartmentalizing, but hearing the details of her childhood abuse made it clear just HOW good she was.

“No, I do,” Tessa cried. “I can’t feel this all the time. It’s too much.” Sobs continued to shake her tall frame. “I deserve to be in pain, but this is too much.”

“You do not deserve pain,” Mariah countered. She knew just telling Tessa that wouldn’t make the other woman believe it, but she had to say it. “You deserve love. You deserve happiness. You did not deserve what happened to you.” Her voice gave out as she fought back a sob. Tessa, so wrapped up in her own crying, didn’t notice.

“How old were you?” Mariah asked when it seemed as though Tessa’s crying had calmed.

“Fourteen,” came the muffled reply. Tessa lifted her head so she was no longer pressed into Mariah’s shoulder and turned so the side of her face rested against the redhead’s chest. Mariah kept her arms tight around her while occasionally stroking her hair. “When it started, I was 14. I didn’t get out until I was 17.” Sniffling, Tessa burrowed deeper into the embrace. “I’m so tired of feeling like this, Mariah. I don’t know what to do,” Tessa said before collapsing into more sobs.

Mariah didn’t know what to do either. The only person she can think of who would is Sharon. But, Sharon had been part of the kidnapping and she wasn’t sure how Tessa would feel about her being part of this, too. Putting that thought aside for now, Mariah pressed a kiss to Tessa’s head and said the only things she could think to say.

“You’re safe.”

“I’ve got you.”

“I won’t let anything happen to you.”

“I love you.”

Mariah held her like that for quite a while, long past the time Tessa’s cries ended and her breathing evened out. She was exhausted, too, but decided to keep holding Tessa until one of her nightmares inevitably wakes her up. She deserves this little bit of peace right now.

Mariah has known all along that Tessa’s rough upbringing made her the way she is today. That’s true about everyone, but not everyone has had it as bad as Tessa has. Knowing the extent of it now was almost too much and Mariah briefly wished she didn’t know any of it, but it was a very brief thought. She imagined the woman in her arms has had similar thoughts. No, she knows Tessa has. Her girlfriend has a vault where she keeps these things.

_So you understand why, as much as I care about you, I needed to protect myself in case you turned on me…which you did._

Closing her eyes at the memory of her betrayal, Mariah kissed Tessa’s head again hoping to wipe away the memory for both of them. Tessa is so haunted by the things that have been done to her in the past. Mariah feels sick thinking she could be one of the things haunting her.

_I hoped for more and expected less, which is what I got._

Even though they have come so far since Thanksgiving, the memories of everything that happened in those few painful weeks still haunt Mariah. She has completely forgiven Tessa for the blackmail and the lying, but the fact that it even happened at all still makes her sick to her stomach. While she is no longer angry and no longer hurt, she remembers what it felt like to be those things.

_I don’t think I will ever feel safe again._

When Tessa said those words after the kidnapping, Mariah had no idea how much she truly meant them. She doubts her girlfriend has ever felt safe in her entire life. Even though she hopes that’s not the case when it comes to her, Mariah had to admit to herself that for at least a little while Tessa didn’t feel safe with her. Never again, she vowed. Never again.

 


	3. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mariah tries to get Tessa to agree to go to therapy and Sharon pays a visit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The same trigger warnings apply. See Chapter 1.

 

“Mariah, I am fine,” Tessa insisted. “You should go to work.”

“No,” Mariah replied. “I took the rest of the week off. I’m not leaving you right now.”

Mariah was terrified to leave Tessa alone after what happened yesterday. On top of that, she didn’t get any sleep last night. Instead, she kept watch over her girlfriend and the nightmares that plagued her. But, in the light of day, Tessa was reverting back to old habits and old defenses, putting everything into neat little boxes in her mind and closing them for the day.

“And, you’re not fine,” Mariah said to her. “You’re ignoring the problem.”

Tessa, who had been in the kitchen making coffee, poured both of them a cup and placed Mariah’s on the counter next to her.

“Tessa, you were at the rooftop standing on the ledge. You could have died,” Mariah said, worriedly.

“I told you I don’t know why I got up there.”

“And that doesn’t worry you?”

Tessa thought quietly for a moment, taking a sip of her coffee. Of course it worried her. She felt so disoriented and out of control one minute and completely in control the next. She supposed that was the big joke, though. Who was ever really in control?

“I have watched you shove everything that has ever happened to you down so deeply that when it comes out you become self-destructive. You have to deal with this.” Mariah was direct, but caring.

“I am,” Tessa said, sitting on the couch with both hands wrapped around her coffee mug, her tone sharp.

“Is that what you were doing on the ledge last night? Dealing with it?” Mariah was trying to be understanding, but her worry and panic were showing. She walked over to the couch and sat next to Tessa, placing her mug on the coffee table. “Last night you told me what happened to you when you were a teenager and that was a huge step. But, there are more steps to take. Please don’t backtrack now, Tessa. It’s out in the open. Let’s actually address it. You don’t have to deal with any of this alone.”

Tessa opened her mouth to say something, but was interrupted by a knock at their door. They looked at each other briefly, neither one expecting company.

“Mariah, it’s me,” came the voice from the other side of the door.

“You called Sharon!” Tessa stood, clearly upset.

“No!” Mariah insisted, standing, too. “I swear I didn’t call her. I don’t know what she’s doing here.” She held her hands up, eyes pleading with Tessa to believe her, which she did.

Walking over to the door, Mariah opened it. Sharon looked apprehensive standing there. She smiled at Mariah and then looked over her shoulder at Tessa and smiled in her direction as well.

“Mom,” Mariah said. “What are you doing here?”

“I um,” Sharon seemed a little nervous and Mariah had absolutely no idea why. “I came by to see Tessa.”

Tessa’s eyes briefly went wide. Clearly the last thing she expected was for Sharon to come over just to see her.

“You wanted to see me?” She asked.

“Yes,” Sharon replied, stepping into the apartment as Mariah moved to let her in. “I don’t quite know where to begin.” Sharon looked between the two women while wringing her hands together, nerves obviously getting the better of her. Focusing on Tessa, Sharon looked at her with compassion, which was something she hasn’t done in a very long time.

“I talked to Phyllis,” Sharon began. Seeing the nervous look on Tessa’s face, she quickly continued. “She thought I might be able to help, you know, use my resources to get you the help that you need.”

“Did she ah, did she tell you what happened?” Tessa asked nervously, shifting from one foot to the next. Sharon only nodded.

“I know we’ve had our differences, Tessa, but,” Sharon looked to Mariah before looking back. “I want to start over with you. Leave everything that we’ve both said and done in the past and move forward. You are very important to my daughter and I want to help you in any way that I can.”

“I don’t…thank you, Sharon,” Tessa said, stunned. Sharon just smiled at her, and then looked to Mariah, who was looking at them both.

“Thank you, mom,” she finally said. “This means so much to both of us.”

”I brought a list over,” Sharon said while pulling a folded sheet of paper out of her purse. “It’s a list of support groups you may be interested in. There are also the names and office numbers of some very good therapists. These are the ones I give to the women I do outreach for.” She handed the list to Tessa, who shyly took it. Going to therapy is not something she wants to do.

“Tessa,” Sharon began. “Phyllis told me what happened to you as a child and I am so sorry.”

Tessa began to look around the room awkwardly, clearly uncomfortable. She hadn’t planned on telling anyone and now three people know. Sharon must have sensed it.

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to tell anyone.” Sharon assured her. “Phyllis only told me because she knew I could help you. She won’t say anything to anyone else.”

“Thank you,” Tessa nodded. She couldn’t believe Sharon was here and trying to help her. She hoped this was a positive sign about their relationship moving forward.

“And,” Sharon started, making sure she still had Tessa’s attention. “If you ever want to talk to me, I’m here. I mean that.”

“I don’t know what to say,” Tessa was speechless. She knew her and Sharon had a lot of work to do before they were on good footing with each other again, but she never expected Mariah’s mom to reach out like this. She wasn’t sure she deserved the compassion after what she did.

“Well,” Sharon said. “I should get going. I’ve got to get to Crimson before Lizzie quits. I’ve been relying on her too heavily lately.” The entire interaction was a bit awkward, but Sharon had expected it would be. It’ll take a little time before her and Tessa find a comfortable footing.

“Mom, thank you,” Mariah said as she hugged Sharon tightly and opened the door for her. Closing it, the redhead turned back to her girlfriend.

“I can’t believe Phyllis told her everything,” Tessa said, tossing the sheet of paper onto the coffee table and sitting on the couch. “I don’t want anyone to know!” She was clearly upset.

“I know, I know,” Mariah started. “But, Sharon won’t tell anyone and I really don’t think Phyllis will either. She only told Sharon because she knew you needed help.” She sat down next to Tessa.

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore, Mariah,” Tessa said, voice raised. “I told you everything that happened. Therapy may work for other people, but it won’t work for me. I don’t want to keep talking about it. I want to put it behind us and move on.”

“Tessa,” Mariah was trying not to get elevated, but the thought of Tessa trying again to push everything down instead of deal with it scared her to death. “Last night you almost killed yourself.”

“No, Mariah I…” Tessa tried to interrupt.

“Yes,” Mariah insisted. “You can say you were never going to jump, Tessa you can even believe that, but I don’t, okay? There is so much going on inside of you and the way you normally deal with things isn’t going to work this time.”

Standing, Tessa tried to stay calm. The last thing she wanted to do was yell at Mariah, but she was finding herself very close.

“I don’t want to talk about this with strangers. I just want to move on. I told YOU, Mariah! Why isn’t that enough?”

“Because I don’t want to lose you!” Mariah insisted, standing now also. “We have come through so much to be together, Tessa. I can’t be the only one fighting for us now. I love you!”

“I love you, too, Mariah you know that!” Tessa was visibly frustrated, pacing behind the couch.

“Then do this for me, for us,” Mariah approached her and took her hands, tears welling up in her eyes. “Please, I’m begging you. I feel like you’re slipping away from me and I can’t stand it.”

“Okay,” Tessa quickly said. Mariah’s tears were always too much for her to take. “Okay,” taking Mariah’s face in her hands. “I will. I will go to therapy.” Realizing she would do anything for Mariah, Tessa acquiesced. “I’m sorry for scaring you.”

Mariah looked at her with tears in her eyes. “Thank you,” she whispered, leaning in to kiss her, sweetly, before wrapping her arms around Tessa in a tight hug. Tessa hugged her back, but she was starting to feel herself drift away. Her mind was struggling, trying to fit things in boxes and stash them away. The most important thing in her life is the woman in her arms right now. If Mariah wants her to go to therapy, then Tessa will deal with it the same way she has dealt with everything difficult that has ever happened to her. She’ll pretend it’s happening to someone else.


	4. 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A misunderstanding at Crimson Lights freaks Tessa out. Mariah finds out a secret Tessa had hoped she would never learn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another GIANT thank you goes to @FridayInCanada for the brainstorming, the ideas, and the feedback!

 

Tessa sat in her car, nerves getting the better of her. The support group meeting was starting in five minutes and she hadn’t yet worked up the courage to go inside. She promised Mariah she would do this, which is the only reason she was here. This so wasn’t Tessa’s thing. She’s never felt the need to talk about her feelings. Her trauma was in the past and that’s where it should stay.

Still, she promised Mariah.

Tessa got out of her car and entered the building, all the while keeping her head down and avoiding eye contact with anyone she passed. Her heart was thumping in her chest and her stomach felt uneasy, but she had a plan. Tessa wasn’t going to speak at this support group; she was just going to listen.

Rounding the corner, Tessa saw a familiar face entering the room where the meeting was to be held. She froze as her stomach dropped. Victoria Newman was here. Tessa was surprised at the onslaught of guilt that overcame her at the sight of Victoria. She had been pushing that guilt down, but apparently not down deep enough.

When Tessa had decided to blackmail the four women she was doing it to protect her sister and Mariah. The men she hired to get Crystal safely to Canada were being very aggressive in their attempts to collect their debt. Not only did they beat the crap out of her at Crimson Lights, she was also getting daily threats over text message. But, they weren’t threatening her; they were threatening Crystal and Mariah. She would have done anything to protect them. In hindsight, blackmail was the wrong thing to do, but she had been desperate.

Tessa approached the door to the meeting and peeked in. There were around 15 people inside, some sitting in folding chairs, others gathering around the coffee and snack table. Spotting Victoria again, she felt that knot in her stomach reappear. When she made the decision to blackmail the women, she never took into consideration what it would do to them. She didn’t think about how scared they would be. When she heard Victoria testify in court to the abuse she put up with at JT’s hands she felt physically ill having added to it.

Is that why Victoria is here? Is this how she’s dealing with the abuse? Opening up about it with complete strangers?

Tessa promised Mariah she would go to this meeting, but the last thing she wanted to do was hear about Victoria’s trauma and be reminded of what she did to her. Making a decision, Tessa turned and left, leaving the meeting behind and breaking her promise to Mariah.

 

\-------------------------------------------------------

 

Mariah and Tessa had made plans to meet at Crimson Lights after Tessa’s group therapy. Not wanting to get there too early and ruin the illusion that she actually went to therapy, Tessa waited a reasonable amount of time before arriving.

Entering the coffee shop, she looked around for Mariah, but didn’t see her. She did spot Sharon behind the counter as she was waving her over.

“I couldn’t find anyone to cover the counter so Mariah offered to drive Faith to a birthday party for me. She’ll be back soon, though. Can I get you your usual?” Sharon asked as Tessa approached the counter.

“That would be great,” Tessa smiled, though it didn’t quite reach her eyes.

“I’ll bring Mariah’s to her when she gets here,” Sharon said, handing the mug over to Tessa, who nodded and headed over to the cream and sugar station. Things were still a bit awkward between them, and Sharon expected that to last for a little while. She really felt badly about the way she’s treated Tessa these past few months. So wrapped up in trying to protect herself, Sharon forgot everything she knew about the young woman. She knew some of Tessa’s past. She knew Tessa was a runaway, she knew she worked at that massage parlor, and thanks to Phyllis she now knew Tessa had been sexually abused as a teen. Sharon wondered if that’s why Crystal left home as well. She knew Crystal was the reason Tessa had to resort to blackmail. She knew it the whole time, but had been too wrapped up in her own mess to care.

“Don’t touch me!”

Sharon heard Tessa yell and looked up from the counter.

“Whoa, Tessa it’s me, it’s Devon.” In an open pose, Devon had his hands up and palms displayed. His face was a picture of shock and confusion. Tessa, on the other hand, stood two feet away from him in a very defensive pose. Her arms were crossed in front of her body like a shield, eyes wide with panic, and she was visibly shaking. The several customers who were in the shop were quiet, focused on the commotion.

“Is everything alright here?” Sharon asked as she approached the pair.

“I don’t know,” Devon started. “I came over to talk to Tessa. She didn’t hear me call her name, so I touched her shoulder. I didn’t mean to startle you.” He directed the last bit to the younger woman who was still shaking.

When Tessa didn’t respond, Sharon asked Devon to give them a moment.

“Tessa, are you alright?” Sharon asked once Devon had left.

Tessa was taking deep breaths, eyes blinking as she tried to compose herself. “He ah, he startled me.”

“You’re shaking,” Sharon observed.

“I’m fine,” Tessa insisted, but she was very clearly not fine.

“I meant it the other day when I said you could talk to me.”

“I know you did, Sharon,” Tessa was more composed now and determined to get out of this conversation. “I’m just really all talked out today,” she lied. “I’m going to grab a table and wait for Mariah.” Neither of them noticed that Mariah had just arrived.

“Too late, I’m already here,” Mariah said as she approached them, but her smile quickly faded as she took in the looks on their faces. “What? What’s wrong?”

“No, nothing’s wrong,” Tessa said, putting on a smile that didn’t fool her girlfriend at all. Mariah looked at Sharon, eyebrows raised, silently asking to be filled in.

“Devon put his hand on Tessa’s shoulder to get her attention and it startled her.” Sharon explained.

“I just didn’t see him coming, that’s all.” Tessa tried to brush it off, but again, Mariah could see right through it.

“You yelled at him not to touch you,” Sharon said in a low, sympathetic voice. “Tessa, you really seemed frightened.”

Tessa’s eyes moved between Sharon and Mariah, then down to the ground as she shuffled her feet a little. She took a deep breath, squeezed her eyes shut, and clenched her teeth before looking up and speaking.

“It was nothing. Really,” she insisted. “I’m fine.”

“You’re not fine,” Sharon said. She opened her mouth to say more, but noticed a customer at the counter who needed to be waited on. She put a hand on Mariah’s upper arm and briefly squeezed it before getting back to work. If Sharon was concerned, Mariah was concerned.

“Hey,” She said, making eye contact with her girlfriend. “Be honest with me. Was it really nothing?”

Tessa’s guilty conscious was nagging at her as she looked into Mariah’s eyes. She had already broken her promise to go to the meeting tonight. Her immediate instinct to lie to Mariah about the encounter with Devon would be yet another reason for the redhead to be upset. Why can’t she stop hurting people?

But, it turns out Tessa didn’t need to say anything. Mariah read it all on her face. She saw the fear and the defeat there. She saw a hundred different emotions on Tessa’s face and felt every single one of them herself.

“Do you wanna go home?” Mariah asked softly while reaching out for Tessa’s hands.

“No, I’m fine,” Tessa said, eyes scanning the room. She let Mariah take her hands and squeezed them in reassurance. “I’m just gonna go splash some water on my face,” she nodded her head towards the restroom before dropping Mariah’s hands and walking away.

Mariah looked after her and took a deep breath. She saw that Sharon was finishing up with the customer and walked over to the counter. Leaning against it, Mariah closed her eyes for a second before looking up into her mother’s face.

“How bad was it?” she asked.

“She was terrified,” Sharon said. “I haven’t seen her like that since…” she trailed off, heart dropping at the memory of that cold December night when she took part in Victoria’s plan to kidnap and question Tessa. Mariah sensed it.

“How worried should I be?”

“I honestly had no idea it was this bad. I should have known there was more to her past than just Zack and that massage parlor.”

“What massage parlor?” Mariah asked, confused.

“Well you know when she had to work for Zack in Chicago…” Sharon stopped talking and her eyes went big. “She didn’t tell you?”

“Tessa worked for Zack?” Mariah felt as though the walls of Crimson Lights were closing in on her. She immediately felt sick to her stomach. Gripping the edge of the counter, she resisted the urge to break down and cry. Every time she heard new information about Tessa’s past it broke her. Every time.

“Yes, but…” Sharon started.

“So, now you know,” Tessa spat out. Neither woman had noticed she had returned from the rest room. Mariah was near tears, but was able to hold them back as she turned to Tessa, who misread the expression on her face as pity.

“That’s it,” Tessa said, voice softer than before. “That’s the face I never wanted to see. I don’t need or want your pity, Mariah.”

“Tessa, that’s not…” Mariah pleaded.

“I’m sorry I’m not who you thought I was.” Tessa said sadly.

“No, you’re misunderstanding…”

“No, it’s okay. I’d be disgusted, too.” The taller woman said as she tried to storm off.

“Please don’t go,” Mariah said, reaching out to grab Tessa’s arm and stop her. It’s something she never would have done had she been thinking rationally, but by the time she realized her mistake it was too late.

“Don’t!” Tessa yelled as she yanked her arm back, eyes wide with panic. It was practically identical to the scene made with Devon earlier.

“I’m so sorry,” Mariah said in a panic. “Tessa I didn’t mean to startle you, I’m so sorry. Please don’t leave.”

“Just don’t follow me,” Tessa said as she walked out of the coffee shop.

“Mariah, you can’t let her go. Not after the other night,” Sharon urged her.

The picture of Tessa standing on that ledge will forever be ingrained in Mariah’s mind, so it was easily accessible now as she stared at the doors Tessa just left through. Sharon was right. Tessa can’t be alone when she’s like this. Not now.

Making up her mind, Mariah rushed out of Crimson Lights hoping her love hadn’t gone too far.

 


	5. 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tessa and Mariah talk. I am so terrible at summaries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The same trigger warnings apply

 

Mariah’s eyes traveled up and down the street as she tried to determine which direction Tessa went. Coming out of Crimson Lights just seconds behind her, the redhead wondered how she got away so fast. She could see Tessa’s car from the sidewalk and there was no sign of the other woman near it. Worried, Mariah put her hands on her hips as she desperately looked around. That’s when she heard it. It was coming from the other side of the building, just around the corner from where she stood.

Mariah walked over and turned the corner. What she saw there was devastating. Tessa on the ground, curled up against the brick of the building, sobbing uncontrollably. When Tessa heard the approaching footsteps she briefly looked up, her tear-stained face showing the panic she was in.

“No,” she cried when she recognized Mariah, curling in on herself even more and turning her back to the redhead. “Please, I don’t want you to see me like this.” Her sobs were heartbreaking, but Mariah wondered briefly if there was any part of her heart that was still whole.

Sitting on the ground next to her, Mariah resisted the urge to wrap her arms around Tessa, something she hadn’t had to fight since Tessa was dating Noah. Watching her like this, completely falling apart, was not something Mariah wanted to get used to, but it was happening more and more often. She kept telling herself that it would get worse before it got better. Tessa would have to deal with her trauma, which means reliving it, but then she may actually have a chance to move on from it.

The completely and utterly broken woman before Mariah was her entire world. If Tessa was broken, she too was broken. She had to do something.

“I never wanted you to know,” Tessa choked out, putting her head in her hands to cover her face. “Please Mariah, I can’t look at you and see the disgust on your face. Please leave me alone.”

“No,” Mariah insisted. “I’m not leaving you alone. Look at me.”

Tessa didn’t say anything, just gently shook her head and continued crying. Mariah scooted closer to her.

“I’m not disgusted. I could never be,” Mariah tried reassuring her. “Please look at me,” she pleaded. “I promise when you do you will only see how much I love you.” She desperately wanted to take Tessa into her arms, but she would wait for her consent to touch her first.

Tessa cried desperately for several more seconds before she risked looking up. Mariah was right. She didn’t see anything remotely close to disgust on her girlfriend’s face, just love. Oddly enough, it made her feel worse.

“Mariah,” she whispered as her face fell into another round of sobs. Mariah instinctively moved forward, catching Tessa as she slumped into her and her breakdown continued. They sat like that, on the ground against the outside brick wall of Crimson Lights, Mariah’s arms wrapped around her. The sun had already set and the night air was cool, but Mariah would stay outside as long as that’s where Tessa was.

“I’m here,” she whispered to the woman in her arms, pressing a kiss to her head. “I’m here and I want to be here.” Mariah was finding it hard to speak through her own tears.

Tessa, who had been hugging herself tightly since the moment Mariah found her, moved so her arms were now holding Mariah’s arms in place around her.

“Why?”

The question was asked so softly that Mariah almost didn’t hear it.

“There are plenty of other people who aren’t as messed up as I am, Mariah. Why would you want me?” Tessa’s crying was subsiding, a resigned tone to her voice.

“Oh Tessa,” Mariah said, voice breathy and thick with emotions. “You are the love of my life. I will always want you.”

Tessa exhaled loudly. “How could you possibly mean that? Look at me! I am too damaged, Mariah.”

Mariah held the other woman even tighter as she spoke. “You wanna know what I see when I look at you? I see someone who has never been given a fair chance to be who she truly is. I see a woman that had to make some tough decisions to survive, someone who wasn’t protected by the people in her life who were supposed to keep her safe. I see someone who has made some mistakes, but wants to make up for them. I see a good person, the woman that I love, and one of the biggest hearts I have ever known.”

Kissing her head again, Mariah felt Tessa’s arms hold on tighter as she spoke. She shifted so she was looking up at Mariah, eyes puffy and red. “Can we go home?” she asked. Her voice so desperate that it dragged more tears out of Mariah.

“Of course,” Mariah told her, palm on her cheek. “Let’s go home.”

\----------------------------------------

 

Tessa insisted on talking outside on the fire escape. She told Mariah she was feeling claustrophobic and didn’t want to be surrounded by walls. It was chilly out, so Mariah grabbed the green blanket off the couch.

Stepping onto the fire escape first, Tessa turned around to offer her hand to Mariah. The redhead didn’t need the help stepping up, but she took Tessa’s hand anyway, smiling at the way her girlfriend used gestures like this to express her feelings. Tessa was always taking her hand and every time it was with such gentleness that it made her feel loved.

“Come here,” Mariah said as she took a seat on the stairs and pointed to one of the steps in front of her. Tessa walked over and sat down so that Mariah was behind her, legs at her sides. Mariah leaned down and pulled the green blanket around them both, arms wrapping around Tessa’s shoulders and chest.

“I want to give you space while we talk, but can I just hold you for a minute first?” Mariah asked. Tessa leaned back into her, accepting the warmth and comfort while she could still get it. She felt like she was on a roller coaster tonight, her emotions going up and down, her mind at odds with itself.

Mariah loves you. Mariah’s love won’t last. She’s here with you now, that’s proof of her love. But, will she be here tomorrow?

“Actually, can we just stay like this?” Tessa said, quietly. She didn’t want to be facing Mariah when she told her story and she wasn’t sure she would have the strength to do it without her close, comforting presence.

“Did you mean it? All of the things you see when you look at me?” Tessa’s voice sounded guarded, but so vulnerable.

“I did,” Mariah told her, leaning in to press a kiss to the side of her head. Keeping her lips near Tessa’s ear, she continued. “I meant every word of it. You are the most important person in the world to me, remember? I know you think your past is going to scare me off, but I’m still here, aren’t I?”

“Yeah, for now,” Tessa said, head falling. Mariah only held her tighter.

“For always,” the redhead replied. “Let me prove it to you.”

Tessa took a deep breath.

“I was never a prostitute,” she said. “I may have done some disgusting things I’m not proud of, but I never prostituted myself.”

Tessa waited for a reaction from Mariah, but the only thing her girlfriend did was kiss her on the head again and continue to hold her. It was more comforting than Tessa had anticipated. There was a big part of her that had no doubt about Mariah’s love. But, it was the other part of her, the part that lived in the dark that she was listening to now. It was so hard to fight it, but Tessa feared she would always be that scared child, blindsided by fists and dragged kicking and screaming to her bedroom.

“But, I did work for Zack,” she admitted. “It was after I left home. I had nothing. No money, no place to live. I was so worried that Crystal wasn’t safe, but I couldn’t do anything for her unless I had money and there was only one place where I could make that kind of cash.”

Mariah ran her hands comfortingly up and down Tessa’s arms under the blanket, encouraging her to keep talking. Tessa had interrupted her conversation with Sharon at Crimson Lights before she was able to get all of the details about Tessa’s employment at the massage parlor. She was relieved to find out that the other woman hadn’t been forced to sell herself. Not because it would disgust her or make her think any less of Tessa, but because it would make her even more heartbroken for her. She knew Tessa did whatever she had to in order to survive and she would never judge her for any of it.

“I worked at Zack’s intimate massage parlor. Hated every second of it. There isn’t a part of me that isn’t still disgusted by the things I had to do there, the skimpy outfits, the…” she trailed off, too ashamed to continue. “I left because he started threatening me. He wanted me to have sex with the clients, but I wouldn’t. Maybe if I had, Crystal wouldn’t have ended up being trafficked for sex.”

“No,” Mariah wanted Tessa to tell her story uninterrupted, but couldn’t let her go down that road. “What happened to Crystal isn’t your fault. You did everything you could for her.”

“I left her in an abusive home. I made her easy prey for men like Zack.” Tessa spat out, voice broken as she fought back tears.

“Tessa, you left home because you were being beaten and raped,” Mariah said. Tessa stiffened at the word rape. She had never used it to describe what happened to her, not even in her own thoughts.

“You could have died if you stayed there any longer. When I think about…” Mariah trailed off. This wasn’t about her feelings. This was about Tessa. “You did what you had to do to survive and so did Crystal. I don’t blame you for anything you had to do and, God forgive me, I am so grateful you had the strength to do it.”

“Why?” Tessa turned her head to the side a little, looking down, but seeing Mariah’s face in her periphery.

“Because everything you did brought you to me,” Mariah whispered into her ear, emotions taking over.

“Mariah,” Tessa said, hands under the blanket finding the arms wrapped around her. “How do you still want me?”

Mariah tightened her hold and pressed another kiss to the side of Tessa’s head.

“Do you still want me?” she asked.

“What?” Tessa was confused.

“You know about my past. I grew up in a cult, emotionally stunted. I stole from my fiancé’s boss and slept with him so he wouldn’t press charges. I took money from Victor Newman to pretend I was my dead twin sister in order to push Sharon over the edge. I have done many bad things with less of a reason to do them than you.”

“That’s different,” Tessa said. “You didn’t even know Sharon was your mother or that Cassie was your sister.”

“But, I knew Cassie was Sharon’s daughter and I saw what seeing me was doing to her,” Mariah reasoned. “And I was a liar, Tessa. I lied to get my way in nearly every situation. We are not that different.”

“No,” Tessa insisted. “You are nothing like me. You’re strong and kind. You love so fiercely and so openly. You’re the best person I know.”

“Tessa you are all of those things, too.” Under the blanket, Mariah took Tessa’s hands. “To me, you are all of those things.”

Tessa’s head fell as she started sobbing again. Mariah kept saying these things. Why did she keep saying these things? Tessa was exhausted, both physically and emotionally. She felt drained. She had no more comebacks. She couldn’t think of one snarky remark or argument to contest what Mariah was saying. Tessa had already said them all.

Was Mariah telling the truth? Was there any harm in just believing her? Could she risk that?

Mariah felt it the moment Tessa let go and gave in. She took a deep breath and slumped back into her, turning sideways so she could put her head on Mariah’s shoulder. The redhead just held her as she let go, sobs so gut-wrenching that they rivaled the ones on the night of the kidnapping.

It shook Mariah. It was so raw and agonizing. She knew they had neighbors to worry about, but frankly, if they heard these cries they would know not to interrupt or complain. These were the cries of a tortured soul letting out all of the bad to make room for the good. This was an important step, a monumental moment. It was progress.

Mariah held Tessa until she stopped crying and continued to hold her until they both started falling asleep. Returning to the warmth of their tiny apartment, the pair went about their nightly routines and got into bed. Tessa felt a bit lighter, but was so drained she decided to consider it more in the morning. Falling into bed, they gravitated towards each other and slept with their heads on the same pillow, hands together between them. At some point in the middle of the night, Mariah got up to use the bathroom. Once alone, she cried, holding a hand to her mouth so Tessa wouldn’t hear her.

\-----------------

Two days later.

 

Tessa sat in her car outside of the support group meeting that had yet to start. I promised Mariah, she kept telling herself, feeling all of the same anxiety as she did when she was here before. Remembering what her plan had been then, how she would just listen and not share, Tessa tried to convince herself to go inside. Just then, a knock on her driver’s side window startled her. Turning to the window, Tessa saw the last person she expected to see.

Victoria Newman.

Rolling down the window, Tessa looked up questioningly at her.

“You should try coming all of the way inside this time,” Victoria said, smiling so slightly that Tessa almost missed it before she walked away.

 


	6. 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tessa takes another stab at group therapy, Mariah feels apprehensive about their sex life, and Tessa and Victoria reach an understanding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Same trigger warnings.

 

“Alright then, would anyone like to start?”

Tessa sat in group therapy and felt so completely out of place. It was just like anything she’d ever seen on television. Everyone was sitting in chairs in a circle, all looking troubled in their own way. There was a trained therapist leading the group and a coffee and donuts table at the back of the room. It even smelled like Tessa had expected. At least half of these people chain smoked before they came in here and several of them had the smell of booze oozing from their pores.

I don’t belong here, Tessa thought. I can’t be here. I’m not telling these people anything about myself.

A woman sitting three chairs away from Tessa was talking, but she wasn’t listening to her at all. Trapped inside her own head, Tessa was wringing her hands together in her lap, her right leg starting to bounce.

_You're worthless. You'll never be anything other than worthless._

Tessa looked around the room, but no one other than her heard it. She knew the voice of her father was all in her head. It was there all of the time, whether she heard it or not. The woman speaking was talking about the abuse she suffered at the hands of her husband. Tessa was only half listening, but heard familiar trigger words: bruises, nightmares, scared.

She couldn’t do this.

Abruptly standing, Tessa quickly left the room ignoring the looks from everyone, but especially those from Victoria Newman.

\-----------------------

 

Mariah looked at the clock when she heard the front door being unlocked. Noting that it was too soon for Tessa to be home from group therapy, she reached for the remote to click the television off. She hadn’t really been watching it anyway.

When Tessa walked through the door, Mariah didn’t say anything. Instead, she smiled at her and patted the empty spot next to her on the couch. Tessa smiled sadly as she walked over and plopped down next to her girlfriend. She had thought about waiting a bit to come home so it would look like she went to therapy, but she was so tired and already felt guilty about skipping out on the first therapy session as well.

“I’m sorry,” Tessa said, looking down at her lap.

“What happened?” Mariah asked, looking at her with no judgment.

“I’m not one of those people. I can’t just sit and talk openly about everything. I…” Tessa stopped talking and looked at Mariah. “I know I promised you, and I have every intention of keeping that promise, I just need more time to work up to it. Today I even sat in the meeting for like, five whole minutes.”

Mariah smiled, enjoying the teasing tone to Tessa’s voice.

“Thank you,” Mariah said, reaching over to put a hand on her thigh, squeezing gently. “I know it’s outside of your comfort zone.”

“I’m doing it for us,” Tessa admitted. Mariah’s breath hitched just a bit. Tessa may not realize it, but it was a huge admission. The redhead knew that Tessa initially agreed to go to group therapy because she had asked her to. “I’m doing it for us” meant that Tessa was aware she needed the help, that she wasn’t just doing it for Mariah. The redhead felt a change in her two nights ago when she finally talked about Zack’s massage parlor. Maybe letting go of that last secret, that last bit of shame was exactly what she needed.

“Anyway, the next meeting is in two days and I will go, Mariah, I swear to you I will go.” Tessa realized that she meant it. She wasn’t looking forward to it, but she meant it.

“I know you will,” Mariah said, her confidence in Tessa never wavering. She knew progress was being made and she could see cracks of light through the darkness that surrounded her girlfriend. It was more encouraging now than ever.

Leaning forward to press a kiss on Tessa lips, Mariah found herself held there by a gentle hand on the back of her head. Tessa deepened the kiss, tongue reaching out to tangle with Mariah’s. When it was just the two of them like this she knew everything was going to be okay. Nothing in Tessa’s life had ever been as good as this. She didn’t even know anything like this existed and she certainly never believed that she’d find it.

The kiss was getting heated as Tessa’s hands tangled in red locks. They hadn’t made love since the incident on the rooftop. The want and need she had for Mariah felt like it was burning right through to her soul. She felt Mariah’s hands begin to unbutton her shirt as she broke the kiss and attached her lips to Tessa’s neck.

“God, Mariah,” Tessa moaned as the redhead opened her shirt to reveal even more soft, pale skin. She placed a hand on Tessa’s cheek, fingers curling around the back of her head to pull her in for a passionate kiss.

Mariah started thinking about how long it’s been since they’ve done this, how good it felt, before she had a startling, unwelcome thought.

What if it wasn’t good for Tessa? What if this is hurting her?

Mariah abruptly pulled back from her lips and looked at her, hands framing her face. Tessa’s brow creased in confusion. Why did they stop?

“What would you like for dinner?” Mariah asked, standing up and walking over to the kitchen, leaving a thoroughly confused Tessa on the couch. “I can see what we have that I can make quick or we could order something,” Mariah said as she started going through the cabinets in the kitchen.

“What just happened?” Tessa asked, standing up from the couch.

“What do you mean?” Mariah asked, not looking up from her task.

“Well, we were kissing and I thought it was going pretty well,” she said to Mariah’s back.

“It’s getting late and we haven’t had dinner yet. Aren’t you hungry?”

“Look at me, Mariah,” Tessa insisted. Closing the cabinet doors, Mariah turned to look at her trying to keep everything she was feeling from showing on her face.

“You haven’t touched me in weeks,” Tessa said, sadly. “Is it because,” she paused to fight back tears. “Do you think I’m tainted because of what happened to me?”

“No!” Mariah immediately protested, walking back into the living room and into Tessa’s space. “God no, Tessa, that’s not it at all,” she said as her hands came up to frame her face.

“Then what is it?” Tessa was on the verge of tears, fighting between being hurt and being scared.

Mariah looked at her sadly and leaned in to press a quick kiss on her lips before leading her back to the couch so they could talk.

“It’s just that,” Mariah took Tessa’s hands as they sat down. “I’m afraid of hurting you. I don’t want to touch you and have you relive what they did to you.”

“What are you talking about?” Tessa asked, completely dumbfounded. How could Mariah not know that her touch is what has been healing her?

“Tessa, so many people have taken things from you. I won’t be one of them. I don’t want you to ever think that sex is mandatory or that you can’t say no.”

“Mariah, you never take from me. All you do is give,” Tessa assured her. She looked down for a few seconds, thinking, before looking back at her. “You’re the only one, don’t you get it?”

Mariah looked at her, confused.

“All of the people in my life have taken from me what they wanted and sex was just one more thing to take. I never even knew sex could actually mean something until you. Your touch is the first loving and honest touch I’ve ever felt. You don’t make me relive anything. You make me forget.”

Seeing that Mariah still looked hesitant, Tessa leaned in to kiss her quickly and took her hands.

“I know you’re trying to put my feelings first and I love you for it, I really do,” Tessa said. “Sex and sexual abuse are not the same thing. One is scary and painful,” she paused, looking straight into Mariah’s eyes. “The other is wonderful, and amazing, and sweet. It’s loving and it’s good, it’s so so good with you, Mariah. It doesn’t compare.”

Mariah’s heart leapt into her throat. Ever since finding out that Tessa had been sexually abused as a kid, she’s fought an internal battle with herself. She and Tessa have amazing sex, the kind that changes your life. But, knowing what Tessa was actually giving her all of those times was a bit overwhelming. Mariah wasn’t sure she deserved it. If she had gone through everything that Tessa had gone through, she’s not sure she would be able to so willingly give herself to someone no matter how much she loved them.

But, that’s exactly what Tessa does. She gives herself to Mariah, freely and without coercion. Remembering what their first time together was like, Mariah bit her lip. She knew it was a huge moment for them, she had felt how powerful the moment was. But, now she saw it in an entirely new light. The gentle caresses, the heat and passion, the tears that Tessa cried; everything had new light shining on it. Every time since then has been just as touching, just as needy, and just as passionate.

Taking Mariah’s face in her hands, Tessa looked deeply into her eyes before closing the distance and kissing her. It started out as a gentle, slow kiss, but it was Mariah who deepened it. Finally able to see what Tessa had been offering her, the redhead was so moved she needed Tessa closer.

When the taller woman felt Mariah move until she was fully against the back of the couch, Tessa also moved, a leg coming over the redhead’s lap so that she was straddling her. She continued to hold Mariah’s face as she kissed her, the heat rising quickly. Mariah’s hands ran up and down Tessa’s sides before sliding inside of her open shirt so she could run them over soft, warm skin. Tessa pulled back, removing her shirt and tossing it across the room. Mariah looked up at her in awe as her hands moved behind Tessa’s back to unclasp her bra.

“I don’t know what I did to deserve what you have given me, but I will treasure it and you always,” Mariah said, teary-eyed. She tossed the bra in the same direction as the shirt before claiming Tessa’s lips again, a hand coming in between them to cup a breast, thumb grazing over an erect nipple. Tessa moaned, her skin igniting at each touch.

“You are the exception, Mariah,” she breathed as she pulled back from the kiss. “You are everything.”

Mariah felt a tear sliding out of the corner of her eye and a gentle hand wipe it away. It was all so overwhelming. She got it now. Mariah understood everything.

“You can touch me, Mariah,” Tessa said, half pleading. “Please touch me.”

Sliding a hand between them, Mariah undid the button and zipper on Tessa jeans as the taller woman shifted to accommodate her. Holding eye contact, she dipped her fingers into the wet warmth she found there, marveling again at how much she could feel with just one touch.

“Ahh yesss,” Tessa hissed. She needed this just as much. This connection with Mariah was everything she ever needed and so much more. She rode the redhead’s fingers, hips moving up and down. Mariah leaned forward to taste the skin of Tessa’s chest and neck, her girlfriend’s hands tangling in her red hair.

When the world exploded for Tessa, Mariah clung to her, holding her up and whispering into her ear how much she loved her.

\----------

 

“You mind if I join you?”

Tessa looked up at Victoria and was momentarily speechless. She had been sitting on the patio at Crimson Lights, nursing an iced coffee, completely in her own world when the older woman showed up. Victoria didn’t wait for an answer before sitting down at the table opposite her.

“I know you probably don’t want to talk to me and I don’t blame you,” Victoria began as Tessa just stared at her, still surprised she was sitting across from her. “I wanted to clear the air and, well, apologize.”

“Sorry, what?” Tessa found her voice. She was so confused. Victoria and she were not friends. None of this made sense.

“I remember how scared you were in the car that night,” Victoria said. “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. What we did to you wasn’t right and I’m sorry.”

“Ah,” Tessa cleared her throat. “I’m sorry about the blackmail.” It was the only thing she could think of to say.

“I know you are,” Victoria responded, leaning her elbows onto the table. “You were trying to protect your sister.”

“Yes, but,” Tessa paused. “I basically terrorized you after JT also terrorized you. I didn’t know how bad it was. Not until your testimony. It…reminded me of my parents. I still feel sick about it. ”

“I accept your apology,” Victoria told her, absorbing the new information. “If you’ll do something for me.”

Oh, here we go, thought Tessa. A Newman always wants something in return. Folding her arms across her chest, Tessa waited.

“Come back to group therapy and stay this time,” Victoria said. “Look, Tessa, I’m not stupid. You’re not hanging around a victims of domestic violence support group because of the kidnapping. You were abused weren’t you?”

Tessa didn’t say anything. She just nodded her head once quickly, stunned at what the woman in front of her was saying. This is not the Victoria Newman that she knew and terrorized. This isn’t even the same woman that JT terrorized. This is a Victoria Newman who refused to be a victim again and apparently didn’t want her to be one either.

“Was it your father? A boyfriend?” Victoria inquired, before stammering. “Or ah, a girlfriend?”

“My dad,” Tessa said softly. “And his friends.” Why was she telling her this?

Victoria’s eyes went wide as she processed what that could possibly mean. She knew Tessa had it rough, but had no idea just how bad it was for her.

“Come to the next meeting,” she said to the musician. “You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to, just listen. I couldn’t talk the first few times I went, but it’s easier now and it’s really helping.”

“I will,” Tessa said, looking at Victoria with a new set of eyes. “I promised Mariah I would go.”

“Good,” The older woman said. “She loves you.” Sitting up straight in the chair, Victoria clapped her hands together. “Well, I’ll leave you alone.” Standing up, she made a move to leave through the back door. Tessa watched her leave, mouth slightly agape in disbelief.

“Victoria,” she shouted as she snapped out of it. Turning around as her hand reached for the door, Victoria stopped. “Thank you,” Tessa said, feeling that they’d reached a new understanding with each other. It’s not likely that they’ll be friends, Tessa thought, but being on friendly terms works just as well. Victoria smiled at her and left.

 


	7. 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tessa hits rock bottom, but a surprising person is there to help her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING
> 
> This chapter was very hard to write and may be difficult for some of you to read. It includes details of sexual assault. If that could trigger you, please don't read it. 
> 
> @FridayInCanada once again played a big role in the development of this chapter. She's been amazing!

 

Tessa went to the next group therapy session as promised. She did just as she had planned and listened without sharing anything about herself. Victoria was there and briefly talked about JT’s abuse. It made Tessa uneasy, but she stayed. Another woman talked about her abusive boyfriend, still Tessa stayed. When a third woman began talking about surviving her father’s fists, Tessa almost jumped out of her chair to leave. Instead, she clenched her fists and looked across the circle, eyes meeting Victoria’s. She was surprised at the unexpected comfort she saw there.

Somewhere in Tessa’s mind, a door slammed. She flinched involuntarily as her eyes closed tight. She saw her father standing over her, his fists clenched at his sides, blood from her nose staining his knuckles. She was blindsided as she came home from school. He was angry and yelling, calling her a whore.

Tessa shook almost unperceivably in her chair, trying to stay calm, trying to not get noticed.

She saw another pair of hands, not her father’s, and they were coming for her. Grabbing the collar of her shirt the hands yanked her upper body off the floor and began dragging her. Putting her own hands over her eyes, Tessa tried to fight against the onslaught of memories flooding her brain. She could hear her younger self crying, pleading to be left alone. She could practically feel the way the hardwood flooring felt as she was dragged across it, the way it creaked with the footsteps of her attacker. She felt the rise of panic in her gut and her heart was racing.

Tessa stood abruptly and dashed out of the meeting, head spinning, not caring about being seen. She had to run. She had to get out. Her father’s voice was in her ear.

_You're a terrible person. You have evil inside you. No one loves you._

The walk back to her car was a blur. She could feel one emotion after another bubbling up inside her, fighting for control. Swallowing hard as she got in and slammed the door shut, Tessa tried to focus on the silence inside the car.

_You're worthless. You'll never be anything other than worthless._

She looked at herself in the rearview mirror, studying her eyes, wondering how many people could look at them and see the real her. When her phone dinged signaling an incoming text, she took a breath to compose herself before looking. It was Mariah telling her she would be home a little later than usual, but would bring dinner home with her. She ended it with saying she hoped therapy went well and that she loves her.

Smiling, Tessa replied to the text. “Can’t wait, babe. I miss you AND I’m starving! See you soon!”

She was relieved that she had a little more time before she would see Mariah. It would give her a chance to get herself together

_Mariah is better off without you. Everyone is better off without you._

Tessa started the car and flipped on the radio, hoping to drown out her father’s voice in her head. Her tires squealed as she pulled out of the parking lot going a little faster than she probably should.

Gripping the steering wheel, Tessa tried to shake off another flashback so she could focus on the road, but her eyes were seeing something that wasn’t in front of her. The memory she was having at the group meeting started up where it left off. She was on her back on the floor of her old bedroom. Rough, unkind hands that belonged to a friend of her father’s were pulling at her jeans while she tried to kick them away. Her foot got lucky and made contact with his jaw, which temporarily freed her. She rolled onto her stomach and tried to claw her way out of the bedroom, but the hands were quickly on her ankles, pulling her back in.

The memory was so distracting that Tessa ran right through a stop sign without even noticing it.

Tears were streaming down her face as her brain continued to straddle the past and the present. She could smell something foul and sour and her breathing hitched when she realized it was his breath, his face so close to hers. He held her down, a heavy pressure on her chest, whispering to her how she could scream all she wanted and no one was coming to help. She felt the panic as her 14-year-old self struggled, only to find it useless. She was no match for a grown man.

He was saying something else to her, but she couldn’t make it out. She felt a searing pain that she had never felt before as she stared up at her ceiling, looking at the brown stains from the time a pipe burst in the upstairs bathroom.

Tessa was brought back to the present very suddenly as her car swerved and hit a mailbox. She put her foot on the brake hard, the car coming to a jerky stop. Breathing heavily, she looked in the rearview mirror to see mascara running down her face. But, it was the flashing blue lights that caught her attention the most.

Tessa put her hands on the steering wheel, gripping it while shaking. She rolled down the window as a plain-clothes officer approached. Watching him in her side view mirror, she blinked. He was wearing the same clothes as the man in her flashback; dirty, ripped jeans, an old black Pantera t-shirt and black combat boots. Her panic started setting in as he got closer. She was frozen in place.

“Tessa?” It was Rey Rosales. She blinked again, this time really seeing him and the clean, button-up shirt he was wearing.

Detective Rosales had been on his way home when he saw Tessa’s car breaking several traffic laws. He wasn’t really in the habit of making traffic stops, but he ran the plates quick and realized who was driving. By the time he decided to pull her over, she had already crashed into the mailbox in someone’s front yard.

“Detective Rosales, I am so sorry. I…I don’t know what happened,” she said, trying to smile through her tears.

“Are you alright?” He asked.

“Yes, I’m fine,” she said, sniffling. “Just having an off day.”

“You’re shaking,” he observed. “You were also going 20 miles over the speed limit and you ran a stop sign back there. Not to mention what you did to that poor mailbox.” Tessa turned to look over her shoulder and then back to Rey. She hadn’t seen the stop sign.

“I guess I’m a little distracted,” she admitted.

“You also seem pretty upset. Did something happen?” Rey didn’t say it, but he knew there was something more going on with Tessa. Sharon had filled him in a little, though she may have skipped some details. Rey knew that Tessa was having trouble dealing with something traumatic that happened to her as a kid and that her father was involved. The rest he could only infer.

Tessa tried to find the part of her that puts a good face on everything so she could get out of this situation, but was having a very hard time. The mask she puts on to hide what she’s really thinking and feeling was unreachable. That only left her with her pain and agony on full display. She started sobbing uncontrollably, head hanging down, hands falling from the steering wheel.

Resting a hand on Tessa’s car, Rey leaned down so he was more at eye level with her. “Tessa, can I call Mariah for you?”

“No,” she shook her head. “She’s working late. I don’t want to worry her.”

“Well, I can’t let you drive in this condition,” he said. “Why don’t I take you home? I’ll make sure your car gets there, too.”

“No, I’ll be fine,” Tessa insisted.

“Oh, that wasn’t a question,” Rey said. “I really should be giving you a ticket, but I’d rather just make sure you get home safe.”

Tessa took a deep breath and nodded. Rey was right.

\----------------

Once home, Tessa felt like she had a lot of nervous energy to burn off, so she decided to clean.  She busied herself first in the kitchen by putting away the clean dishes and loading the dirty ones into the dishwasher. She wiped down the counters and the stove, rubbing so hard her forearms started to burn. She got the vacuum out and ran it around the small apartment twice. She kept thinking that as long as she kept her focus on the cleaning she could avoid dealing with her own thoughts and feelings.

_You're worthless. You'll never be anything other than worthless._

But, the sound of the vacuum was not enough to drown out the voices that haunted her. Maybe nothing ever would be. Maybe she’ll hear these voices for the rest of her life, a constant reminder of how undeserving she is of anything good. Maybe she should just lean into it instead of fighting it so hard. Maybe she should just give up altogether.

_You're nothing but a cheap whore. That's all you'll ever be._

Shutting the vacuum off, Tessa had trouble winding the cord back up where it belongs. Frustrated, she unraveled it to try again, but her hands were shaking too much.

“Dammit!” She yelled, standing fully as she kicked the appliance out of frustration.

_You're unlovable. Who would want you?_

_You’ll never amount to anything._

_You’re a complete disappointment._

“STOP!” She shouted, hands coming up to cover her ears, her adrenaline still pumping from her outburst with the vacuum. Kicking it had felt good, so she decided she wanted to feel that again.

She kicked the vacuum one more time, but it didn’t give her the kind of release she had been expecting. Looking around the small apartment, Tessa’s eyes landed on the dresser by the door and all of the items on top of it. She had an urge to break things. Instead of giving it anymore thought than that, she marched over to the dresser and swiftly cleared it of everything, all of the items crashing onto the floor. The loud sound was exactly what she had been craving.

Looking down at the items on the floor, one in particular caught her attention. Bending down to pick it up, she stared at the framed picture of her and Mariah. Her heart sank when she saw the glass was broken, a crooked line cutting across them. Tessa was also broken and she feared she would break them, too. Mariah didn’t deserve that. Mariah deserved so much better.

With tears clouding her vision, Tessa looked up at the mirror on the wall behind the dresser. Who was the woman looking back at her? She didn’t even recognize herself anymore. This isn’t her life. This isn’t what her life was supposed to be. She should be grifting, conning, and leaving before anyone gets too close. She doesn’t deserve to have it this good.

She’s an imposter here.

The glass on the mirror broke before she even realized she threw the picture at it. Chunks of it fell to the floor while the rest stayed where it was, splintered and cracked, broken like the woman staring into it.

That’s when there was a frantic knocking at the door.

“Tessa! It’s Sharon, let me in!” Sharon shouted from the hallway.

But, Tessa didn’t hear her. The pounding on the door sent her into another flashback. She covered her ears and slowly walked backwards away from the door. Shaking her head, she knelt down next to the arm of the couch, hiding behind it. Curling up into a ball on the floor, she was assaulted with more brutal memories.

That smell was back, the sour breath of the man on top of her. The stubble on his face was scratching her skin. His voice was quiet, but menacing. What was he saying? Why can’t she make it out?

Sharon pounded on the door again, but Tessa was in a completely different place in her head. The pounding was threatening. She peeked over the arm of the couch, but the door she was looking at wasn’t the door to their apartment; it was darker. The space she was lying in was smaller, stuffier. Her head started pounding and she felt sick to her stomach.

As the door flew open, she cowered once more. Looking up, she saw the man who would rape her, the friend of her father’s who had been eying her for months. He grabbed at her, but she fought back. The effort was in vein as he dragged her across the floor to her bedroom. What happened next flashed before Tessa’s eyes like she was watching a movie on fast-forward. His breath, his weight, his voice.

“No, get away from me!” Tessa shouted as she felt hands grabbing at her, Sharon’s hands. Sharon had let herself in with the key Mariah gave her for emergencies. She was at home when she received a call from Rey. Knowing Mariah was working late, she decided to check on Tessa herself. It’s not something she would have been likely to do even a month ago. But, knowing that Tessa had been struggling so much recently and may also be suicidal, she owed it to Mariah to make sure she was okay.

“Tessa, it’s me,” Sharon said to her, putting her hands up so she could see she wasn’t a threat. When she let herself into the apartment, Sharon hadn’t immediately seen the younger woman. Her eyes were drawn to the items scattered on the floor by the dresser and the broken mirror on the wall. When she heard the crying she looked around the couch to see her daughter’s girlfriend curled up on the floor.

The fog Tessa was in slowly started to clear and her brain was able to focus on one voice, but that voice wasn’t Sharon’s.

_“You know you’re only worth $20? That’s what I paid your daddy to have you.”_

“NOOOO!” Tessa cried in the most desperate scream Sharon had ever heard. The truth, the thing she had sealed up in a neat little box and tossed in the back of her mind, had come out. Her father was a despicable man, there was never any doubt. But, the fact that he had betrayed her in such a malevolent and vicious way felt like a knife in her chest. He never cared about her at all. Did anyone ever really care about her?

Her mother did at one time, before the drugs and alcohol took hold of her. Though vague, Tessa does have memories of her mom’s warm embrace and her voice as she would sing her to sleep. She remembers being scared of the dark and her mom giving her a nightlight and telling her there was nothing to be scared of. But, there was. The monsters weren’t in her closet or under her bed. They were just down the hall.

“Mom, where were you?” Tessa said, voice strained and rough, crying uncontrollably. “Where were you?”

It was absolutely heartbreaking and Sharon was hit with a strong desire to comfort her. She didn’t know how to do that without freaking Tessa out more, so she kept a close distance, kneeling on the floor near the couch.

“I was just a little kid,” Tessa sobbed into her hands. Sharon felt something clench at her heart. Tessa really did look small and helpless in this state, very childlike. It reminded her of Faith when she has a nightmare, but so much worse. Suddenly, Sharon couldn’t help but see Faith when she looked at the woman before her. What would she do if her daughter were in this state? If someone had hurt her the way they hurt Tessa?

Sharon wasn’t privy to all of Tessa’s traumas, but she had a good guess as to what her childhood had been like. The way she freaked out when Devon touched her at Crimson Lights the other day really spoke volumes. Her class work combined with her experience at the crisis hotline and her job as a victim’s liaison with the police gave Sharon a pretty good idea as to what she was dealing with here. She knew it was a sexual trauma that was haunting the young woman.

Observing Tessa for a moment, Sharon decided that in spite of their history, she really did care about her. It was a surprising revelation considering the horrible things they did to each other. Maybe it was Mariah’s influence. She knew Mariah loved Tessa more than anything in this world, that the young woman had given her daughter something no one else ever could. She had decided to call a truce over Christmas and had found that her heart had warmed up to the idea of Tessa being in Mariah’s life since then.

Looking at the mess of a woman before her, Sharon did the only thing she could think of.

“I’m here, Tessa,” she said softly.

The younger woman was still sobbing, but the cries slowed down when Sharon spoke. Looking at her, Tessa squinted.

“Mom?” She said, sounding so broken and small that it tore a hole through Sharon’s heart.

“Yes, sweetheart. It’s me,” Sharon said. She wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do, but seeing as Tessa was beginning to calm down it may be working.

“Did you know? Did you know he sold me to his friends?”

“I’m so sorry,” Sharon said, tears forming in her eyes as the depth of what happened to Tessa became clearer. “I’m so sorry, Tessa, but you are safe now. I’m here.”

Tessa lunged forward, collapsing into Sharon, head in her lap as she cried more tears. The older woman rubbed her back with one hand and ran her other hand over Tessa’s head, smoothing her hair down over and over. Neither of them had noticed Mariah coming home.

The redhead was standing just inside the doorway taking in the sight before her. Tessa was on the floor sobbing in Sharon’s lap while the blonde comforted her, using a soothing voice to tell her she was safe and no one would hurt her again. Mariah’s hands immediately came up to her face, covering her mouth to try to keep the sobs from coming out.

“It’s not your fault, Tessa,” Sharon said softly. “None of it was your fault, so you can stop blaming yourself now. It’s okay.”

Mariah had been confused at first, but it didn’t take long to figure out what the scene in front of her was. This was Tessa’s breaking point. This was the dam bursting. This was the breakthrough she had been waiting for. The fact that her mom was the one to be there for Tessa during it was a little shocking as Mariah had no idea how these events unfolded. She was actually a little surprised anyone was home because she didn’t see Tessa’s car in the parking lot.

“It’s okay to let it go,” Sharon said again. “It wasn’t your fault.”

“It wasn’t?” Tessa asked, her voice coming out so small and quiet Sharon almost missed it.

“No, it wasn’t,” the blonde told her, still stroking her hair.

“Do you promise?” Sniffling, Tessa’s sobs were dying down and she was taking in deep gulps of air to try to calm herself down.

“I promise.”

Finally noticing that Mariah was there, Sharon looked at her and smiled sadly.

“Tessa, you can let it all go,” Sharon continued. “You’re not a bad person and you’re not to blame for the terrible things that happened to you. You have a great life now with a great love and so many possibilities for the future. You have to let go so you can be fully present for all of the wonderful things in your life.”

Pausing, Sharon looked back at Mariah and stretched her arm out to indicate she should take her hand. Mariah did as she stepped closer to the pair.

“Like Mariah,” she finished, squeezing her daughter’s hand and drawing her down to the floor so she was sitting with them.

“Mariah,” Tessa breathed, eyes opening for the first time since she had crawled into Sharon’s lap. Sitting up, she looked at them both, her face running through a series of emotions. She felt lighter, less confused than she had been just a minute ago. The fractured parts of her brain seemed to blend in with the rest of it and she felt fully conscious for the first time in, well, forever. It was as if there had been two Tessa’s, never existing in the same place at the same time, only now each was aware of the other. She felt awake for the very first time.

 

 


	8. 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sharon and Victoria try to convince Nikki to apologize. Tessa and Sharon connect even more after a dinner with Mariah.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings still apply, though this is not as brutal as chapter 7.

 

“Sharon, I don’t see why that would be necessary.”

Nikki Newman sat on the couch in the front room of Newman Ranch. She hadn’t expected to see Sharon today, but the blonde called and asked to meet with her and Victoria, who was sitting next to Nikki on the couch.

“I really think that it is,” Sharon explained. “You didn’t see her. I can’t live with this guilt I have over this.”

“Mom,” Victoria started, turning to Nikki. “She’s right. It would be good to apologize for what we did to her. I actually already did.”

“You what?” Nikki was shocked. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Well, I knew how you’d react,” Victoria said. “Look, mom, we all did some pretty terrible things this past year. I really think apologizing AND forgiving are the only ways to truly put it all behind us.”

“Wait, so you’ve forgiven her, too?” Nikki put a hand to her chest.

“She is genuinely sorry,” Sharon added from her space on a nearby chair. “Nikki, we all know there was a reason for the blackmail, but we refused to acknowledge it. Tessa was trying to save her sister and Mariah. If those men had followed through on their threats…” Sharon’s breath caught as her brain went somewhere she didn’t want it to. She shook her head.

“What Sharon is trying to say is that she had a good reason to blackmail us. Just like we had a good reason for what we did,” Victoria said. “I think we all went a little too far for those reasons, but there’s nothing we can do about that now. All I know is, seeing Tessa breakdown on the stand seemed like punishment enough.”

“Well, I don’t know,” Nikki said, thinking.

“Mom, she grew up poor and abused. Are you really going to tell me you don’t know what that’s like?” Victoria pushed. She still didn’t know the entire story of Tessa’s abuse, but she knew enough that she could fill in the blanks. “Look, you didn’t see her in group. She’s run out twice. She can’t even listen to other people’s stories without freaking. How will she ever put whatever abuse she suffered behind her like I’m trying to do? I just think we could help ease her burden a little.”

Nikki looked at her daughter and then over to Sharon. She thought about the times she shared alone with Tessa, before any of this mess started. Back when Tessa was new in town and living in her car, when she was mentoring her grandson and nurturing his guitar skills, she had bonded with her. Nikki had thought she’d found a kindred spirit in the young woman, but, due to Tessa’s own actions, that bond didn’t last.

“Fine,” Nikki said at last. “If it puts this all behind us once and for all I will apologize to her.”

“And?” Victoria asked. Nikki glared at her for a couple of seconds before rolling her eyes.

“I’ll think about forgiving her.”

\---------------------

“Are you sure you two don’t want any dessert?” Sharon asked as she came back from putting the dirty dishes in the kitchen.

“I couldn’t eat another bite, Sharon, thank you,” Tessa responded. Mariah, sitting next to her at the dining room table, nodded her head in agreement.

“Mom, dinner was delicious, thank you,” Mariah told her, reaching for her coffee mug and taking a sip.

“Well, I’m glad we could do this,” Sharon said, sitting down at the table. “I’d like to make it a regular thing,” she paused, looking at the two women. “If that’s something you would be interesting in doing.”

Mariah wanted to answer yes, but she knew the question wasn’t actually directed at her. It would be up to Tessa if this became a regular thing. Tessa, who a few nights ago was collapsed on the floor of their apartment, head in Sharon’s lap as she had a breakdown. Tessa, who has been living in a personal hell of violent flashbacks, nightmares, and fear. Tessa, who woke up the next day with a bit more light in her eyes than usual, the dark shadows that usually sit behind them weren’t as dark and haunted. She would be the one to decide what the next step in their relationship with Sharon would be.

“I would really like that,” Tessa said. She knew her response was the one Sharon had been nervous about. She was relieved to find that she wasn’t just saying it to make Sharon and Mariah happy, she really meant it.

Tessa had been a bit embarrassed when she realized Sharon had witnessed her breakdown, but it was so much more than that. Sharon had been there when the roadblocks in her mind fell and she was able to face the truth about what her father did. Tessa’s conscious mind had never acknowledged that he had taken money from the men who took so much from her. She wouldn’t allow herself to go there. Her mind protected her against it.

When the dam broke and she couldn’t hide from the truth any longer, Sharon had been there. Mariah’s mom had been there to gather the pieces and hold her together. She had put aside all of her negative feelings for Tessa and was there for her in a way her own mother had never been. The tide had turned that night. When Sharon had left their apartment, she gave Tessa a hug, the kind of hug you reserve for a loved one. It was the kind of hug you give to your children when they’re upset. Tessa had only ever gotten hugs like that from Mariah.

In the several days that followed, Tessa found that talking about her trauma had gotten a little easier. She still had times where she would have to shut it down, but she was becoming more and more comfortable with the thought that none of it was her fault. She had been shouldering the blame for so long that it wouldn’t be easy to completely let go of it, but she was now open to the idea.

“Good,” Sharon replied, pulling Tessa out of her thoughts.

“Thank you,” Tessa said as her hands wrapped around a coffee mug. “After everything I did…”

“Everything we BOTH did,” Sharon interrupted her. “Tessa, I should be the one asking for forgiveness. I wish none of it had ever happened.” She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, remembering that night in the car and Tessa’s terrified eyes. “I feel like I understand you so much better now and I really would like us to start over.”

“I’d like that, too,” Tessa responded as Mariah reached over to take her hand.

“I’d also like to share with you something about myself, something that will help you understand me better,” Sharon said, face getting serious.

“Would you like me to leave so you two can talk alone?” Mariah asked, looking between her girlfriend and her mom.

“I don’t care if you stay, but it’s up to Tessa,” Sharon replied.

“Stay,” Tessa said softly, turning her head to look Mariah fully in the eyes while squeezing the hand in her lap. “I want you with me, Mariah. I don’t want to hide anything from you anymore.” The redhead squeezed Tessa’s hand, giving her a loving look before they both turned their attention back to Sharon. Mariah was pretty sure she knew what Sharon was about to tell Tessa and it still broke her heart to hear about it, even though she wasn’t in Sharon’s life at the time.

“It happened a long time ago, more than 20 years,” Sharon started, resting her elbows on the table. “It was after I met Nick. Neither one of us were single at the time, but we were drawn to each other so much so that I left my boyfriend and he left his girlfriend so we could be together. The man I had been seeing, Matt, was upset about the whole thing. He wanted to punish me for breaking up with him, so…” Sharon looked up at Tessa in time to see a realization hit her. “I said no. I said no so many times, but he took what he wanted from me. He raped me.”

“Sharon,” Tessa said softly. “I had no idea. I’m so sorry.”

Sharon wiped at her eyes briefly. She had dealt with this trauma years ago, but there was still pain there and probably always would be. That’s how she knew Tessa would never fully get over what happened to her, but she could get to a place where it doesn’t get in the way of living her life.

“I don’t know exactly what you’re going through, but I know what it’s like to be violated and I know how hard it is to put something like that behind you and move on. I’d like to help you in any way that I can,” Sharon said.

Tessa dropped her head to look at her and Mariah’s hands, intertwined in her lap. She still didn’t feel like she deserved Sharon’s help, but she also knew she shouldn’t be trusting those self-deprecating voices in her head. Sharon and Mariah had made it clear to her that she deserved to be happy and that they want to help her. She was still so conflicted.

“How long?” Tessa asked, not looking up.

“How long for what?” Sharon asked.

Tessa closed her eyes as she pictured the faces of the men who abused her, flashing in front of her like a slideshow. Now that she had opened the gates to her memories, she was having a hard time stemming the flood. She squeezed Mariah’s hand tighter, causing the other woman to turn in her seat and fully face her.

“Until I stop blaming myself,” Tessa finished, sniffling as her eyes teared up. She refused to look up from her lap. Tessa doesn’t often ask herself why she never got help, why she never told anyone what was happening to her. What good would that do now? But, when her guard is down that thought does creep in and it tortures her. Would anyone have helped anyway? Did anyone care?

“Tessa,” Mariah breathed, bringing her hand up to her mouth so she could press a kiss to Tessa’s knuckles. “Look at me,” she said quietly. Tessa chanced it and lifted her head, eyes meeting Mariah’s. The redhead smiled at her with a look of pure devotion. She hated that Tessa blamed herself, but she also knew her girlfriend wouldn’t even be asking the question if she didn’t think she could someday get over that. The question itself was progress and a direct result of Sharon’s influence.

“It takes however long it takes,” Mariah said softly, reaching up to push a strand of Tessa’s hair behind her ear. “There is no deadline, there is no pressure. You take however long you need to get there and we will be here every step of the way for whatever you need.”

Sharon watched her daughter comfort Tessa and she couldn’t help but notice how small she looked. It reminded her of the incident months ago at Crimson Lights when Tessa was beat up by one of the thugs she owed money to.

_If he wanted to do real damage, he would’ve_

Sharon still felt bad for assuming that Tessa faked the attack. She remembers how her stomach dropped when she spotted the bruises on Tessa’s back and, after lifting her sleeves, the ones she had on her arms as well. After that, everything got so out of control. They both made mistakes, and plenty of them. Now it was time to make it right again.

“I’m glad you’ve been going to the group therapy sessions,” Sharon added. “That’s huge. I think you may also want to talk to someone one-one-one to get to your specific issues and help you heal. I can recommend some really good therapists.”

Tessa looked between Sharon and Mariah, mother and daughter, and wondered how she got to this place in her life. She knows she did nothing to deserve them, but she has them and she wasn’t going to continue to second guess their presence in her life. Believing that she didn’t deserve the good things always sets her on a cycle of self-loathing and depression. She wanted to break that cycle.

“Okay,” Tessa said, squeezing Mariah’s hand again. She then looked at Sharon. “I will do whatever it takes to put this behind me so I can move forward,” she told her. “So WE can move forward,” she says turning back to Mariah.

Mariah and Tessa left Sharon’s after finishing their coffee. Sharon gave them both hugs on their way out. Tessa surprised herself by leaning into it, accepting the warmth and comfort being offered.

It was late when they got home and they were both so tired that they went to bed right away. They got into bed the same way they always do, each from their own sides of it before meeting in the middle of the mattress. Tessa reached for Mariah’s hand and held it tightly as they looked at each other from their own pillows.

“I love you,” Tessa said to her before yawning.

“I love you, too,” Mariah said, watching as Tessa’s eyes closed and her breathing evened out.

It was several hours later when Mariah was pulled from her sleep by the whimpering cries of the woman next to her.

“No, please don’t!”

“Tessa?” Mariah put a hand on Tessa’s shoulder to gently wake her. She knew the nightmares wouldn’t stop, but she was hoping they would slow down in frequency. Not for her sake, but for the woman that she loves.

When Tessa’s big, scared eyes opened and Mariah saw the pain in them, she took her face in both of her hands and whispered to her.

“It’s okay. You’re safe. It was just a dream.”

Tessa began sobbing. She knew it was stupid to expect the nightmares to go away now that she was facing everything instead of pushing it all down. It turns out they were just more detailed, more troubling, and more terrifying.

Mariah wrapped her arms around her as Tessa’s head rested on her shoulder, tears soaking through her shirt.

“Do you want to talk about it?” She asked, not really expecting much of an answer. Tessa never talks after a nightmare.

“I’m remembering everything,” Tessa said after a minute of silence in Mariah’s arms. “Now that I’ve started I can’t stop.” Mariah squeezed her a little tighter, but didn’t speak. She wanted Tessa to continue.

“I shoved all of this down so I wouldn’t have to deal with it, but all that did was let it poison me from the inside. It’s made me scared. It’s made me lie. It’s made me into a bad person, Mariah.”

“No,” Mariah said, turning slightly so she could press a kiss to Tessa’s head. “You are not a bad person. You’re a good person who had bad things happen to them and you’ve dealt with it the only way you knew how.”

“This is the first time I’ve had hope that there is a way out of this,” Tessa said into Mariah’s neck as she snuggled closer. “And that’s all thanks to you,” she said. Her tears had stopped flowing as the nightmare was losing its grip on her. “And Sharon,” she finished, eyes getting heavy. Stifling a yawn, she pressed into Mariah more, feeling something she’s never before felt after a nightmare. Peace.

Exhaustion eventually took over and Tessa fell into another deep sleep. Mariah, however, was unable to get back to sleep. She was still worried, but she also found that she was angry.

If Mariah could have just five minutes alone in a room with Tessa’s father, she would make him suffer for what he did. He may not have been the one to violate her, but he beat Tessa as often as he could and he took money from other men so they could have their way with her. But, as angry as she was, Mariah had to admit that it would solve nothing and it certainly wouldn’t help the woman in her arms.

Pressing a kiss to Tessa’s forehead, Mariah daydreamed of happier times. Her and Tessa laughing, dancing, holding hands on their first date. She remembered their first kiss and the first time they made love. Mariah knew she wanted to spend the rest of her life with Tessa. She knew they would eventually get over this hurdle. Her brain suddenly conjured up an image of Tessa walking towards her in a white dress, holding a bouquet of flowers. It surprised her at first how much she wanted that image to come true.

Closing her eyes, Mariah breathed deeply and imagined how it would happen. She would probably propose to Tessa and not the other way around, she thought. They could get married in the park or maybe at the Club. They could honeymoon in San Francisco or maybe someplace tropical. She knew she could make Tessa happy, the same way Tessa makes her happy. They just had to get over this hurdle. There now appeared to be light at the end of this very long tunnel, but Mariah knew she would be there no matter how long the darkness lasted.

 


	9. 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mariah has some good news and Tessa has a sit down with Nikki. This is the final chapter, though there will be an epilogue. I promise :)

 

“Devon, that’s amazing! I can’t wait to tell her,” Mariah smiled into the phone as she walked into Crimson Lights.

“Great!” Devon said from the other end of the line. “I wanted to tell her this the other day when I accidentally frightened her at Crimson,” he sounded apologetic. “I still feel bad about that. She seemed pretty upset.”

“Yeah, she’s been having a rough time, but that had nothing to do with you, Devon,” Mariah clarified as she stood just inside the doors of her mom’s shop.

“I didn’t think it did,” he admitted. “Is she okay?”

“She will be,” Mariah said, actually believing it this time.

“Well, tell her to take her time. This offer doesn’t expire. I want her to come back only when she’s ready.”

“I will,” Mariah said. “Thank you.” Saying their goodbyes, Mariah hung up the phone and scanned the shop looking for Tessa. She spotted her on the patio and, with a smile on her face, she walked back to greet her.

“Hey,” she said, approaching the table and leaning down for a quick kiss before taking a seat across from her girlfriend. Tessa was smiling at her so openly that Mariah almost forgot to breathe. It’s been a while since Tessa has smiled like that.

“Hey yourself,” Tessa said, putting her phone down to focus all of her attention on the redhead.

“You seem happy today,” Mariah observed. Tessa’s smile was reaching her eyes. It hasn’t done that in some time.

“I just talked to Abby and they have a new opening date for the restaurant. I will be gainfully employed in no time!” Tessa told her, smile not fading.

“That’s great!” Mariah said, finding Tessa’s joyful attitude contagious. “I have some good news, too,” she said, not bothering to wait for Tessa to ask her what it was. “Devon wants to work with you again.” Looking at Tessa’s confused expression, she continued. “In the studio. Tessa, he wants to sign you again and release your music under his label.”

Tessa’s smile faded a bit and her eyes wrinkled in confusion. She didn’t say anything, just continued to stare at Mariah.

“Are you okay?” Mariah asked, her smile faltering as well. “What’s wrong? I thought you would be happy.”

“I am, I’m just…” trailing off, Tessa slouched back down in her seat and breathed a heavy sigh. “I don’t deserve another chance,” she finally said.

“What are you talking about? Of course you do,” Mariah argued, reaching across the table to take Tessa’s hands. “Tessa, good things are happening because you deserve them. You are working so hard at getting your life back on track.”

It was true. Tessa had been working hard. For the first time in her life, she was head on facing a problem instead of looking for a shortcut around it. It was scary and there would be missteps, but she actually felt some relief. Holding all of those memories and feelings inside, instinctual as it is, has been slowly destroying her and nearly cost her the love of her life. Tessa knows she has a long way to go before the nightmares and voices go away, if they ever do. But, there was something about just being on this road that was comforting even when it was terrifying.

“You didn’t, like, go to Devon to plead my case, did you?” Tessa asked. She knew Mariah was her biggest cheerleader and that she sometimes couldn’t help herself when it came to singing her praises.

“No,” Mariah let go of one of Tessa’s hands so she could raise hers. “I swear. He literally just called me.” Taking both of Tessa’s hands again, Mariah smiled at her. “Do you not feel ready to get back into the studio?”

“Well, I haven’t written in a while. I don’t know if I’ll be able to write again. But, even so there’s something else…” Tessa made a show of looking off into the distance as though she were trying to remember something important. “Oh yeah, I remember,” she looked back at Mariah. “I gave away my guitar.”

“I’ll get you a new one,” Mariah replied instantly.

“Mariah,” Tessa said, releasing her hands to tuck her hair behind her ears. “I’m not going to let you do that.”

“Why not?” Mariah asked, frustrated at how often Tessa wants to do things on her own.

“Because I have already taken enough from you,” she explained.

“Tessa,” Mariah’s voice changed as she leaned forward in her chair, her tone almost teasing. “I’m going to get you a new guitar no matter what you say. Now, you can either let me pick it out and risk ending up with the ugliest one in the store OR you can pick out the exact one you want.”

Tessa gave Mariah a look that said she was serious, but Mariah gave one right back.

“You’re not going to let this go are you?” Tessa finally asked.

“Nope,” Mariah smiled.

“Well, what if I’m not ready to record again? What if I’m never ready?” Tessa threw her hands up in the air as she voiced her worries out loud.

“Devon said to take your time and that the offer doesn’t expire,” Mariah explained. “Look, he knows you may not be in a place to do this yet. But, he thinks you deserve a second chance and I couldn’t agree with him more.” Mariah smiled proudly at her.

Tessa watched Mariah’s face and smiled. It was hard not to get caught up in her girlfriend’s enthusiasm.

“I love that you believe in me,” she said, taking Mariah’s hands again.

“Always,” Mariah said softly, thumbs rubbing circles over Tessa’s knuckles. They stared at each other in silence for a minute before Tessa spoke again.

“I don’t want a new guitar,” she said, leaning in closer before Mariah could respond. “I want something used and worn in, something that has a history. I want a guitar that someone gave up on and is waiting for its second life.”

Mariah smiled. She hadn’t seen many signs of the Tessa she fell in love with in recent weeks. But, in the last few days, there were more and more glimpses of her. From the way her smile now reaches her eyes to the way she gets out of bed in the morning with a little more excitement for the day ahead, Mariah has noticed. The changes in Tessa may be subtle to everyone else, but Mariah sees them.

“Okay,” Mariah says to her. “A cheap, used guitar with lots of character. That I can do.”

Both women were still smiling at each other when Sharon approached. She was genuinely happy to see them. When Sharon noticed they were holding hands across the table, she realized she no longer had any negative feelings about them being together. She and Tessa were truly moving on from the ugliness of the past several months.

“Ladies, I’m sorry to interrupt,” she said.

“Hi Sharon,” Tessa smiled at her.

“Mom, you’re working again today?” Mariah asked, continuing to hold Tessa’s hands.

“Yes,” Sharon responded, hands clasped in front of her. “I gave Lizzie some time off. She’s really been working hard.” She paused, looking at them both before continuing. “I’m sorry to spring this on you, but Nikki is on her way over and she wants to talk to you, Tessa.”

“Me?” Tessa released Mariah’s hands to put hers nervously back on her mug of coffee.

“What’s going on, mom?” Mariah asks, her brow creased.

“Well, Tessa and I have cleared the air and she’s done the same thing with Victoria. It would appear to be Nikki’s turn.”

“Oh my God,” Tessa said, eyes wide as she stared down at her coffee.

“Did you put Nikki up to this or did she decide to do this on her own?” Mariah asked, wary of Tessa’s emotional state and how this may impact it.

“Victoria and I had a talk with her the other day,” Sharon started to explain.

“Oh my God,” Tessa said again, eyes still wide. Of all of the women in the car that night, Nikki had terrified her the most. Maybe that was because, deep down, they were so much alike.

“Well, nobody makes Nikki Newman do anything. She called me to see if you were here and said she was on her way.” Sharon finished, looking at Tessa with a grimace on her face.

“Oh my God,” Tessa said yet again.

“Hey,” Mariah said, reaching her hand across the table again. “I’ll be right by your side when she gets here,” she told her. “Or, we can leave right now if you want.”

Tessa was fidgeting with the mug in front of her, a sure sign of her nerves taking over. She looked into Mariah’s eyes, finding immediate comfort in them. Taking a few breaths, Tessa shook her head.

“No, no I need to do this,” she said, determinedly. Her eyes shifted to just over Mariah’s shoulder where she saw the woman in question walking into the shop. “Besides,” she looked back to Mariah. “She’s already seen me,” Tessa said, head pointing towards the door.

Both Mariah and Sharon looked up in time to see Nikki walking through the coffee shop towards them. Tessa cleared her throat and shifted nervously in her seat.

“Sharon, Mariah,” Nikki said, nodding her head at them in greeting before looking at the young woman she came to see. “Tessa, do you have a moment?”

Tessa nodded, though she wasn’t sure she could have said no if she wanted to. Nikki’s demeanor was clearly sending her the ‘I won’t take no for an answer’ vibe. Looking at Mariah, Tessa gave her a small smile and a nod to indicate that she’s got this. The redhead was apprehensive, but eventually stood up from the table and offered her seat to Nikki. Nikki looked down before taking the seat as Mariah and Sharon left to give them some space. Mariah, however, refused to go far. She sat just inside the doors so she could be there quickly if Tessa needed her.

“Well, I suppose you know why I’m here,” Nikki began. Tessa didn’t respond, however, just audibly swallowed and stared.

“Tessa, this isn’t going to work if you don’t talk,” Nikki said, flippantly.

“Right,” Tessa cleared her throat. “I assume this is about the blackmail?” The musician’s voice was timid.

“Indirectly,” Nikki said. She had already decided that Victoria was right and that she would forgive her for the blackmail, but she wasn’t going to make it that easy.

“What we did that night, kidnapping you, it was our only choice. I was trying to protect my daughter just like I did the night I thought I killed JT.”

“I know,” Tessa said. “And I know what I did…”

“What you did was terrorize myself and my daughter for weeks,” Nikki interrupted while moving forward in her seat. She took a second to breathe and leaned back again. “But, I know why you did it. You were protecting someone, too.”

Tessa nodded, too intimidated to speak. Nikki must have noticed this because when she spoke again she changed her tone.

“You know, Tessa, when I first got to know you I really liked you. I saw a lot of myself in you,” she said in a softer voice. “The problem is…I still see myself in you.”

“What do you mean?” Tessa was genuinely confused.

“We are both fighters,” Nikki leaned in again, eyes narrowing. “We’ve been through hell, have the scars to prove it, and got back up again. You should be proud of that.” She paused to make sure Tessa was really listening. The younger woman’s eyes were glued to her.

“People with our personalities will either get along like best friends or be perfect enemies,” Nikki continued. “So, now that all of that is behind us, I think we should start over.”

“What?” Tessa was not expecting any of this today. She actually couldn’t believe what she was hearing.

“I will forget about the blackmail if you forget about the kidnapping. Tessa, I know you just want to move forward because that’s what I want, too. If you need to be forgiven for the blackmail, then I forgive you.”

“I truly am sorry,” Tessa added.

“I know you are,” Nikki said. “And, I’m sorry for stirring up traumatic memories for you that night. Victoria mentioned to me that you’ve been going to the same group therapy meetings. I hope they’re helping.”

“Ah,” Tessa looked back down at her now cold coffee. “It’s a work in progress. But, yeah, it’s helping.”

“Good. I hope you continue to go,” Nikki said. “Well, I have a meeting to get to.” She stood and adjusted her purse strap on her shoulder. “I’m glad we cleared the air.”

“Yeah, me too,” Tessa said, still in shock that the conversation had happened at all considering it was over so quickly. Nikki nodded and left the same way she came in.

Mariah went back out to the patio to check on Tessa the second she saw Nikki leave. She found her girlfriend pretty much the same way she had left her, eyes wide and staring into her coffee.

“How did it go?” Mariah asked with a bit of apprehension.

“Oh, she ah, says she wants to move forward and start over,” Tessa was still in a state of shock, her heart pounding in her ears.

“That’s great,” Mariah said, taking the seat Nikki had just vacated. “So, she apologized?”

“Yes,” Tessa said, scratching at her head with one hand before looking at Mariah. “Well, she apologized for causing me to relive my past trauma, but she didn’t specifically apologize for the kidnapping part.”

“I’ll talk to her,” Mariah said.

“No,” Tessa immediately responded. “No, Mariah, I think we’re good, Nikki and I. We understand each other.”

“Are you okay?” Mariah asked, leaning in like she had earlier to offer her hands to Tessa across the table. She smiled when Tessa took them.

“I think I will be,” Tessa smiled a little. “And Mariah, you have been a huge part of getting me there. I love you,” she squeezed her hands before bringing both of them up to her lips and kissing the knuckles on Mariah’s right hand and then her left. “I love you like I’ve never loved anyone before. No one has ever made me want to be a better person. No one has ever given me the strength I need to face what happened to me.”

Mariah blushed and averted Tessa’s gaze briefly.

“No,” she said. “All of that strength was already in you. I just helped you to realize it.”

“Well even so, I wouldn’t be where I am right now without you,” Tessa took a deep breath. “I still have a long way to go, Mariah.”

“And I will be right there with you,” the redhead told her.

“But,” Tessa voice got deeper as she leaned in closer. “If it ever gets to be too much for you, Mariah, I need you to tell me.” She searched Mariah’s eyes. “Please?”

“Tessa,” Mariah leaned in, their faces a foot apart. “I love you and I’m not going anywhere.” Tessa opened her mouth to speak, but Mariah stopped her. “How about I promise to tell you if I’m feeling overwhelmed? That way we can talk about it and keep everything out in the open. No hiding things from each other.”

“Okay,” Tessa nodded. She looked at Mariah with soft, glistening eyes. “You’re a literal angel, you know that?”

Mariah ducked her head before pulling on Tessa’s hands to get her closer. She whispered, “I’m your angel,” before kissing the other woman across the table.

 

\-------------

 

Tessa’s nerves weren’t any better this time than any of the other times she’s sat in this meeting. But, for some reason today felt a little different. She recognized some of the faces now, the people who were here before, who opened up to complete strangers and told their stories.

Victoria was here, too. She was sitting across the circle from Tessa sipping on coffee from a Styrofoam cup. The therapist leading the group had just arrived and was making her apologies before they began. Tessa could practically hear the blood rushing behind her ears. Her hands were shaking. This is the part where the voices usually start.

But, if the voices were there, Tessa didn’t hear them. She was taking a minute to look at the faces of the other people there, all sitting in chairs in a circle like they were about to sing church songs. But, if you looked closely at them, you could see their eyes were haunted, their traumas worn like masks over all of their faces. The first few times Tessa was at this meeting she thought she couldn’t be more different from any of them. Now she knows they’re all very similar.

“Alright,” the therapist began. “Who would like to start today?”

It was silent for a beat before Tessa surprised everyone, herself included.

“I would,” she said.

 


	10. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time to officially put this story to bed with this extra long epilogue. Absolutely NONE of this would have been possible without @FridayInCanada, so this last chapter is dedicated to her! Thanks for being an endless well of ideas, sounding board, and for the honest feedback!

**SIX MONTHS LATER**

 

“Hey, you okay?” Tessa put her hand on Mariah’s where it sat between them. The redhead had been quietly looking out the window next to her. Knowing this was only the second time Tessa had ever been on an airplane, Mariah had originally insisted that she take the window seat. But, Tessa was still a little anxious about how a big metal box could just hover in the air so she had no interest in looking out the window.

“I thought I was supposed to be the nervous flyer,” Tessa teased as she squeezed Mariah’s hand.

“No, I’m not nervous,” Mariah said, turning her attention away from the window. “I was just daydreaming,” she smiled.

“About?” Tessa’s dragged out the word in a teasing manner.

“All of the wonderful things we’re going to do when we land,” Mariah’s face was beaming. Tessa smiled back, her whole body radiating with happiness. This has been a long time coming, she thought. Two years ago while attending a music festival in San Francisco they had shared their first kiss. Now they were finally going back.

So much has happened between then and now. Their relationship has been tested more than once. But, here they are, together and stronger than they have ever been. Tessa did so well at group therapy once she started talking that her apprehension towards starting individual therapy lifted. She’s finally been able to face her traumatic past and accept that she was not to blame. None of that could take away the memories, of course, but it did take away the one big obstacle to her moving forward.

The nightmares were less frequent now, but Tessa doubted they would ever completely go away. She was just happy to have the tools to deal with the emotional impact of them. That doesn’t mean it’s easy or it always works, but she’s light years ahead of where she was. Mariah’s presence helps, even though she insists she’s only doing what any good girlfriend would do.

“Well, I know I can’t wait to see what the bed in our hotel room is like,” Tessa winked suggestively. It made Mariah’s heart flutter and cheeks turn an adorable shade of red. After learning about the sexual abuse Tessa had to endure as a child, Mariah had become very apprehensive about their sex life. But, Tessa had reassured her and, quite honestly, the sex has been even better since Tessa’s breakdown. Mariah didn’t know it was possible to improve on something she already thought was perfect, but something very important had changed. Tessa was no longer hiding herself and no longer letting her past stop her from fully living. Mariah felt it in each kiss and every touch. It was as though they were even more connected than before.

“You know, Miss Porter, we can’t just stay in our hotel room the entire weekend,” Mariah teased, her head tilting in Tessa’s direction.

“According toooo?” Tessa asked in a sing-song voice. Mariah laughed.

“According to you,” Mariah teased. “You’re the one who told Devon you would check out some of the bands at the festival and report back to him.”

“I really need to shut my mouth sometimes,” Tessa pouted. Mariah leaned in and kissed her.

“Now that would be a real shame,” she said playfully. Now it was Tessa’s turn to blush. “Hmmm,” Mariah hummed as she went back in for a second, longer kiss. “There’s that blush,” Mariah teased when she pulled back.

“I was just thinking about all of the things that I can’t wait to do to you when we check in to our hotel,” Tessa explained. She looked lovingly at Mariah, resting her head against the back of her seat. Mirroring her actions, Mariah gazed at her girlfriend, heart fluttering. For the first time since their relationship started, there was nothing hanging over their heads. Even so, Mariah was still a bit nervous. Okay, she was a lot nervous. It had nothing to do with the fact that they were going away on their first trip together since becoming a couple and it had nothing to do with the issues they have so painstakingly been working through since day one. No, it had everything to do with the item in the little black box that Mariah had tucked away in her carry on.

“Hey, I was joking earlier, but are you really okay?” Tessa asked, suddenly concerned at Mariah’s silence to her suggestive remark.

“Yes,” the redhead snapped out of it. “Yes, I’m fine. I’m perfect.” Smiling, she leaned back in to press her lips to Tessa’s. When she pulled back her, her worry lines had smoothed out and her face was the picture of contentment. “You wanna lean over me and check out the view?”

Tessa smiled and put her head on Mariah’s shoulder. Reaching for the hands in the redhead’s lap, she interlaced their fingers together and closed her eyes.

“No, but I will lean into you while you look,” Tessa said as Mariah pressed a kiss to her head.

They were quiet then, Mariah looking out at the clouds and Tessa leaning on her, eyes closed. Tessa’s mind began to wander.

Six months. That’s how much time has passed since she started getting her life back together and dealing with her past. Six months wasn’t really a lot of time, but to Tessa it had felt like years. She was still haunted, and a part of her was scared she always would be. But, as hard as it was, Tessa was getting better at looking at the positives. For starters, Mariah was still here. She wasn’t scared off by Tessa’s trauma as the musician had feared. Mariah was proving every single day how much she loved her and how much she could trust her.

Tessa also found positivity in the strength she had to face her past. Pushing that trauma down for so many years became such a habit that the more time that passed, the scarier it all was. But, she had faced it. It wasn’t without its missteps or breakdowns, but she faced it all and she didn’t die. Now she finds herself wishing she had been able to just handle it all years ago so that this mess never would have touched Mariah. But, her girlfriend never made her feel like a burden. She never made her feel like she was in the wrong or to blame for what happened to her. Most importantly, Mariah helped her to see that she wasn’t broken, that she could still love and be worthy of love.

Tessa’s mind drifted further, back to group therapy and the day she finally told her story. She surprised herself when she volunteered to speak, but knew it was the next step in her journey and she had finally been ready to take it. It hadn’t been easy. She hated being so unarmed, so completely without armor in front of strangers (and Victoria), but it ended up being exactly what she needed. It helped to see that she wasn’t alone. That other people had horrible things happen to them, too, and they weren’t to blame for them.

After that meeting, Tessa had been so emotional that she rushed to the restroom the second it was over, forgoing the opportunity to socialize with any of the other people there. That part hadn’t really upset her as she felt all talked out. She splashed water over her face and stared at herself in the mirror trying to see if she looked as different as she felt. Once she decided that she was ready to leave, she walked out of the restroom and right into Victoria Newman, whom it turns out, had been waiting for her.

_“Tessa, hey,” Victoria said. “I was wondering if you had a minute to talk.”_

_Tessa was about to say no, but something about the way Victoria was looking at her made her change her mind. She nodded and followed her to a bench just down the hallway._

_“I wanted to tell you that I think you’re really brave for speaking today,” Victoria said after they’d sat down side-by-side on the bench. “I had no idea you went through something so awful. How did you find the strength to move forward?”_

_Tessa was taken aback by the comments. Victoria Newman thinks she’s brave and strong? A picture of the other woman in the driver’s seat of her car flashed through Tessa’s mind. The way Victoria looked at her that night was nothing like the way she was looking at her now. Before she had looked threatening and scary, but now she was warm and welcoming._

_“I didn’t,” Tessa finally responded. “Not right away. I think I’ve been living in the past this whole time.”_

_Victoria nodded and looked past Tessa, thinking. The younger woman tried not to stare at her, but she was a little bit awestruck that they were having this conversation. Yes, Victoria had already come to her to make amends, but Tessa really thought that would be the end of it. She expected she would run into the other woman around town at times, but never thought there would be cause to talk with her one-on-one ever again._

_“The thing is,” Victoria looked back at Tessa, her eyes cloudy. “I can’t stop thinking about what we did to you. And, hearing everything that you said in there about your father and the men who…” Victoria stopped, not wanting to put that part into words. “I just, I can’t stand thinking that what we did dredged all of that up for you again.”_

_“No,” Tessa said, feeling sympathy for the woman next to her. She turned so she was sideways on the bench facing her. “You didn’t. I mean, you did, but you also didn’t know about it in the first place. You don’t owe me any more apologies, Victoria. Really.”_

_“Well, I’m still so sorry,” Victoria said to her. “I don’t want to live up to my family name and sometimes the things I’m capable of scare the crap out of me.”_

_“I know that feeling well,” Tessa chuckled. “But, I’m changing. I’ve always protected myself because, if my father could hurt me the way he did, anyone could. So, I would sabotage literally every relationship and friendship, getting what I needed and getting out, because being there when the people who say they care about you turn their backs on you is too painful. I had no idea how to get out of that cycle of pain, distrust, and defeat until…”_

_“Until Mariah?” Victoria guessed._

_“I nearly ruined everything with Mariah because of the way I chose to handle things and that was a direct result of what happened to me.”_

_“But, you two are good now, right?”_

_“We are,” Tessa smiled. “She’s,” she paused, wondering why she was opening up like this. “Mariah is teaching me that trusting someone doesn’t automatically mean they’re going to hurt you.”_

_“She loves you,” Victoria stated. “And I can see the positive affect you’ve had on her as well.” Tessa studied the older woman’s face for a moment and concluded that there was no deceit there. She was being genuine._

_“Well, I don’t want to keep you from her,” Victoria said, abruptly standing as though she had said too much._

_“Okay,” Tessa said, rising to her feet as well. She was about to tell Victoria to have a nice rest of her evening when the older woman unexpectedly threw her arms around her and hugged her tight. It lasted for several seconds and Tessa heard her whisper “I’m sorry” into her ear before she sheepishly pulled away._

_Tessa’s eyes were as big as dinner plates as Victoria turned and walked away without another glance. Vic was wiping at her eyes as she left the building and Tessa was stuck in place watching her go._

“Hmmm,” Tessa hummed as the memory faded and she felt Mariah press another kiss to her head. Yes, they had come so far and Tessa found that she never wanted to go back to the person she was. Mariah hadn’t just taught her how to trust, but she also taught her how to love. She was making progress in therapy and had found a sense of security that she had never known before. Her and Mariah were happy, had no secrets, and were finally at a place where they could focus on them. Tessa couldn’t imagine anything better than that.

 

\------------------

 

“Oh my God, will you look at this view!” Tessa exclaimed as she stepped out onto the balcony. The sun was just setting and she was in awe at the color of the sky. Tessa was surprised at the quality of hotel that Mariah picked. She had assumed they would be staying somewhere a little more in their price range.

“Mariah, we can’t afford this,” she said as she looked out in awe. The redhead came up behind her and wrapped her arms around her waist.

“This is a special occasion,” she said as she felt Tessa lean back into her. “Come on, this is the first time we’re back in the place where we had our first kiss. I wanted it to be special.” Mariah had another reason, but Tessa wasn’t aware of it yet. She pushed down her nerves as she moved Tessa’s hair aside to expose her neck.

“I thought you knew that any time I’m with you it’s special,” Tessa said, relaxing into her as she felt lips on her neck. “It doesn’t matter where we are.”

“That is true,” Mariah breathed. Looking out at the city, she knew she’d picked the right place. Mariah thought about the ring she’d stashed away in her carry on. She had bought it weeks ago and had been dealing with a multitude of emotions since. Was Tessa ready to get married? Was SHE ready? Are they moving too quickly?  Once she had decided that she was indeed ready to pop the question it became a matter of finding the perfect time and place to do so. San Francisco just seemed appropriate, so when Devon suggested they go to the music festival this year she jumped at the chance. He provided the tickets, but she insisted on paying for the hotel room. It would be perfect. But, now that they were here, her nerves were kicking in.

“You okay,” Tessa asked, turning in Mariah’s arms.

“I’m perfect,” Mariah breathed. “I thought you were enjoying the view of the city?”

“I like this view much better,” Tessa said. She leaned in to press her lips to her girlfriend’s. She meant it to be a simple, chaste kiss, but when Mariah took her face between her hands she felt a fire ignite. Tessa deepened the kiss, pulling the other woman closer against her. When Mariah moaned into the kiss something inside of Tessa snapped. She needed Mariah. She needed her right now.

Tessa quickly flipped their positions and had Mariah’s back against the balcony railing without breaking their kiss. Mariah reached between them to the hem of Tessa’s shirt, slipping her hands underneath it and running her palms over tight abs before wrapping them around Tessa’s waist to pull her even closer. She moaned in protest as Tessa reached for her hands to remove them. But, before she could fully vocalize her complaint, Tessa pulled back and had her turned around facing the city again.

“You trust me?” the taller woman asked from behind her as she wrapped her arms around Mariah’s waist and planted kisses to her neck.

“Hmm,” Mariah moaned. “Yessss.”

“Good,” Tessa said. She took Mariah’s hands and placed them on the railing in front of her. “You’re not allowed to touch me or turn around. Got it?” Tessa’s voice was deep and laced with so much arousal that Mariah felt her knees go weak. She didn’t need to worry, though, because Tessa’s arms were back around her waist.

Mariah gripped the railing as she felt her girlfriend’s lips and tongue travel down her neck. She had a brief moment where she was worried someone would see them. She felt like she was on display in front of the whole city. But, they were on an upper level floor and the privacy walls on either side of them would keep the neighbors from seeing anything. It wouldn’t keep them from hearing her, though, so she knew she should try to be quiet.

“Ahhhhh,” the redhead exclaimed as Tessa lightly bit down on a particularly sensitive bit of flesh between her neck and shoulder blade.

“Shhhh,” Tessa whispered into her ear. “It’s very unlikely that anyone will see us, but they will be able to hear us.” Her hand traveled down to the waistband of Mariah’s jeans and undid the button. The redhead sucked in a deep breath as Tessa’s other hand snuck under her shirt. It was instinct that caused her to remove her hands from the railing and reach behind her to try to pull Tessa closer.

“Uh uh,” the taller woman chuckled as she removed her hands from Mariah. “Follow the rules or I stop.”

Mariah quickly put her hands back on the railing. She was so aroused already and Tessa’s little display of dominance was making her even wetter. She could feel her girlfriend smiling against her neck as she resumed kissing and touching her. Tessa’s hand returned to her waistband and slipped inside it. Before Mariah knew what was happening, those long fingers were dipping into her, playing at the wetness they found.

Tessa hummed quietly when she felt how wet Mariah was. They had never really done anything this risqué before. They had never had sex where they could potentially be seen. It was slightly nerve-wracking, but it was also hot and exciting. Mariah had never been into this before, but experiencing it with Tessa could really change that.

Mariah’s grip on the railing tightened as she felt skilled fingers enter her. She widened her stance to give Tessa more room, though the fact that she was still wearing her jeans limited that. However, it also provided a tight fit that kept Tessa’s palm pressed against her clit while her fingers worked inside of her. Mariah’s head dropped back to Tessa’s shoulder as she decided she didn’t really care if anyone was watching them. As far as she was concerned, it was just her and Tessa.

The taller woman continued to thrust her fingers inside of Mariah while her other hand traveled under her shirt to cup a breast. Smiling when she felt the nipple harden through Mariah’s bra, she rolled her fingers over it in time with the movement of her other hand.

“God, Mariah this is so hot,” Tessa whispered into her ear. She found herself wishing that she could pull back and watch Mariah in this state, but that would defeat the purpose.

“Please don’t stop,” Mariah moaned. Her whole body was pressed back into Tessa’s front, hips moving along with the fingers inside of her. The friction it was causing against Tessa’s groin made the other woman moan into her ear again.

“What do you want?” Tessa asked her. “Tell me what you need.”

“You,” Mariah breathed out as her head turned to the side, lips searching for any part of Tessa that she could reach.

“You already have me,” Tessa responded, her head tilting down. Their lips couldn’t quite meet in this position so Mariah settled for kissing Tessa’s jaw and cheek. She felt herself losing control, her climax so close.

“God, I love you,” Tessa told her as she felt the grip on her fingers tighten. Mariah’s orgasm hit her hard, arms locked in front of her while her hands held tightly onto the railing. Her head tipped back, mouth open as she came. The real struggle was keeping quiet as she did so, but it only took a second for her to realize that she didn’t much care who heard them.

Tessa held on, slowing down the movement of her fingers as she drew out her girlfriend’s pleasure as long as possible. By the time it was over, Mariah’s legs were shaking and her entire weight was pressed back into Tessa, who continued to press kisses to her neck and the side of her face.

Mariah’s grip on the railing loosened. She removed one hand, bringing it behind her to hold Tessa’s head in place against her neck. She assumed the rules no longer applied and she was right. She groaned as Tessa’s fingers left her and both of her arms wrapped around her tightly.

“Wow,” Tessa remarked, a self-satisfied smirk on her face. Mariah hummed and turned herself around in Tessa’s arms. Their lips immediately met in a heated kiss. The redhead’s hands quickly grasped the bottom of Tessa’s shirt and pulled it over her head as Tessa raised her arms to accommodate the move. Mariah reached back to undo the taller woman’s bra while also walking them towards the balcony doors and back into the hotel room.

Tessa’s hands started grabbing at the shirt Mariah was wearing and swiftly pulled it over her head, leaning in to press kisses to Mariah’s neck. Her arms encircled the redhead, hands grasping at the clasp of her bra to free her of it.

Tessa stepped back to slide the bra straps down Mariah’s arms, resting their foreheads together as the flesh was revealed. They were both breathing heavily, the air around them electric. Tessa reached up to cup a breast while her lips sought Mariah’s again. Their tongues slid together as the redhead felt her knees go weak yet again. Tessa’s hands were like magic. She felt a scorching trail of heat wherever they touched her.

“Stop distracting me,” Mariah pouted. She reached down to undo Tessa’s jeans while directing her to the bed. Once Tessa felt the mattress against the back of her legs she fell back into it. Mariah used her position to pull the jeans off of her long legs. She smirked when she saw how wet Tessa’s underwear was before swiftly removing them as well.

Standing back up, Mariah finally removed her own jeans and underwear before climbing onto the bed. She crawled up Tessa’s body, dropping kisses to nearly every inch of skin she could. Tessa opened her legs, allowing the redhead to lie between them. When Mariah’s lips reached hers, Tessa wrapped her legs around her. She was so turned on that the second she felt Mariah’s hand make its way between them she knew it wouldn’t take her long.

As their mouths and tongues met, Mariah slipped inside of her. She moaned at how wet her girlfriend was. She always marveled in it, the way Tessa reacted to her touch and how wet she could make her before even laying a finger on her. Tessa’s arms wrapped around Mariah’s back, fingers clawing at her as her hips rose from the bed.

Tessa’s orgasm came fast, Mariah swallowing all of her moans before she moved her lips to her neck. Her girlfriend’s arms tightened around her before loosening as she collapsed and tried to catch her breath. As Mariah watched her, chest rising and falling while she took in air, she again thought about how much she wanted to marry this woman. There were absolutely no doubts in her mind.

“Come here,” Tessa said softly. Mariah lifted herself off of her and came to a rest beside her, bodies still pressed together, her head on Tessa’s shoulder.

“I think we’re really going to like San Fran this time around,” Mariah chuckled as she felt Tessa’s lips connect with her forehead.

“I’m not sure we’re actually going to see any more of it than that view and these four walls,” Tessa hummed, her breathing slowing down.

“Well, we have to go to the fest at some point,” Mariah said, lifting her head to look Tessa in the eyes. “But, not tonight,” she smirked as she brought her lips back down to claim the other woman’s. Tessa’s hand cupped the back of her head to hold her in place.

“You read my mind,” she said when she pulled back. Mariah looked down at her, briefly wondering if maybe now was the right time to pop the question.

“What?” Tessa asked, head tilting on the pillow.

“Nothing,” Mariah said quickly. “Just, I love you. I love you so much.” She was nervous, so nervous. She also had all weekend to find the perfect time and right now wasn’t it, she thought. Right now there were other things she wanted to do with their time.

 

\-------------------

 

Mariah and Tessa were able to pull themselves away from each other long enough to get out and enjoy the second day of the outdoor music festival. Tessa had a short list of bands she wanted to see. Halfway through the day she started to feel bad that they were doing everything she wanted to do, but nothing on Mariah’s list. The redhead had assured her with a wink that the only thing on her list they had already done back at the hotel.

Just as the next band on Tessa’s list took the stage, Mariah offered to go to the concessions for a couple of cold waters. They had been drinking beer most of the day, but she was insisting that they rehydrate. Tessa had found a great spot near the stage, so she stayed behind. She was extra excited to see this band because the set was going to be acoustic.

When the band began playing, she started to lose herself in the music. It wasn’t just fun for her, it was life. Music has been Tessa’s life for as long as she can remember. She’s used it to cope, to escape, to dream. Before she started going to therapy, Tessa had feared that the music was gone. The melodies her soul would sing had gone quiet and her guitar was a stranger instead of her best friend. But, in recent months everything had changed. She was writing and singing again and soon she would be in the recording studio with Devon and Ana. Devon was giving her a second chance and even though she wasn’t sure she deserved it, she was going to make the most of it.

Tessa was enjoying the music so much that she jumped when she felt hands grab her hips from behind. She assumed it was Mariah, but when she turned around she quickly realized it was not.

“Dance with me,” the disheveled man demanded, his grip on her hips tightening as he tried to grind against her. He was sloppy and very obviously drunk, but that was no excuse. Being so close to the stage, she wouldn’t have been able to hear him were it not for the fact that the band was playing an acoustic set.

Tessa stiffened immediately, frozen in place like a scared kid; a scared 14 year old kid to be exact. Perhaps it was the smell of beer on his breath so close to her face or the uncaring glare in his dark eyes, but Tessa unexpectedly found herself in the midst of another flashback. On the floor looking up into those eyes, her younger self frozen in fear. She was right back there, in her bedroom at her dad’s house in Chicago, his drunk and coked-out friend on top of her.

No. No, this wasn’t going to happen to her again. She was not a victim, she was a survivor.

“No!” Tessa yelled, arms trying to push him away. Unbeknownst to her, several people in the crowd had witnessed the scuffle and already alerted security. A nearby security guard was weaving his way through the crowd to approach them.

“Come on, pretty,” the drunken man said as he grabbed Tessa’s wrists to stop her from fighting him. What he didn’t expect was her right knee in his groin. By this point, more people in the crowd had realized what was going on and were watching. When Tessa’s knee made contact there were cheers from several of the onlookers. Just as the man in question bent over in pain, the security guard reached them.

“What happened here?” the guard asked.

Tessa had a moment where she considered saying nothing and that she was fine. That was an instinct she talked about with her therapist. When she was being abused by her dad and his friends, she never told anyone. She just assumed that the authorities, her teachers, even the mail carrier wouldn’t believe her. But, she knew better now.

“He, he grabbed me and was trying to force me to dance with him,” she said, her voice getting stronger at the end. The drunk tried to argue, but his words slurred out of his mouth and his eyes were still clenched shut from the pain in his groin.

“Tessa!” Mariah had witnessed the end of the confrontation on her way back from the concessions. She got to Tessa right as the security guard was hauling the man away. Dropping the bottles of water she had just purchased, Mariah worriedly approached her girlfriend.

“Hey,” the redhead said. “What happened? Are you okay?” She hesitated before gently placing her hands on Tessa’s shoulders, holding eye contact with her. She looked fine physically, but Mariah was concerned that the incident may have triggered some memory in her. The way Tessa seemed frozen in place was definitely scaring her.

But, Tessa surprised her just then when her face broke out into a slow, bright smile. Tessa’s hands came up to take Mariah’s from her shoulders, dropping them down so their hands were between them.

“I…I did it,” she said, a smile lighting up her face.

“What did you do?” Mariah was confused and her face showed it.

“That man grabbed me from behind and tried to force me to dance with him,” Tessa explained. As she did so, Mariah’s hands tightened in her own. “I froze. I felt like I was 14 again, Mariah. It was scary.”

Tessa’s eyes filled with unshed tears, but she was smiling through it.

“Then I remembered that I’m not a victim and that I don’t deserve to be treated like that and I, I kneed him right in the groin.” Tessa laughed a little as she said the last part. That got Mariah smiling as well. “Then I told security exactly what he did and I, Mariah I feel amazing!”

Tessa was absolutely beaming and Mariah was in complete awe of her. This woman, who had every reason to give up on life and living, fought back to regain her control. She worked hard to find her voice and at the next opportunity, she used that voice. She had overcome so many awful things, broke through so many road blocks, and came out on the other side. She had faced her fears, her flashbacks, and her pain. She was absolutely incredible.

That’s when it hit Mariah. Now. Now was the perfect time. Tessa watched as she suddenly got down on one knee.

“Marry me,” she said, looking up into her girlfriend’s dark eyes while she continued to hold her hands. She watched Tessa’s smile start to fade and her brow crease in confusion. Tessa was certain that she had misheard.

“Say yes,” someone behind her shouted. Most of the crowd had gone back to watching the band, but when Mariah dropped to one knee it got some attention. Tessa had pretty much forgotten they were still standing in the middle of a crowd. Mariah looked around at their audience nervously and then back to Tessa. Maybe this wasn’t the perfect moment, she thought. She also just remembered that the ring was back in the hotel room.

“I’m sorry,” Mariah said, huffing a little and looking at their joined hands. “I should have waited until we were alone.”

Tessa was staring at her with a blank expression, but her eyes told Mariah to keep talking.

“God, this is so not how I planned it,” she said, but Tessa squeezed her hands encouragingly. “Tessa, I love you so much. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I also have a ring back at the hotel, which is where I should have done this.”

Looking down, Mariah shifted nervously on her knee. She was pretty sure she was blowing it. Who wants to be proposed to while attending an outdoor music festival surrounded by people after just being accosted by a stranger? God, she was so stupid.

“Yes.”

Mariah’s internal monologue ended abruptly and her head popped up at what she thought she heard Tessa say.

“What?” The redhead could practically feel her heart beating out of her chest as she watched Tessa’s face break into another amazing smile.

“I said yes, of course I’ll marry you!”

Cheers erupted around them as some of the onlookers decided the two women were more interesting than what was happening on stage. Because she momentarily forgot they weren’t alone, the applause caused Mariah to blush and look down. But, when she felt Tessa pull on her hands her attention was back on the woman in front of her.

“Mariah, I would marry you today, tomorrow, next week,” Tessa vowed. Tears were falling from her eyes, but her smile was a mile wide. “Whenever you want, I will marry you. I want to be with you forever, Mariah. I love you.”

Mariah was smiling and laughing and utterly speechless. So instead of words, she chose actions. Standing up, she took Tessa’s face in her hands and brought their lips together. The crowd around them cheered again and Mariah pulled back from the kiss to rest their foreheads together.

“You wanna get out of here?” she asked.

“I do,” Tessa said.

 

\---------------------

 

They held hands in the cab on the way back to the hotel, but didn’t say much to each other. The silence wasn’t uncomfortable, though. It was filled with knowing glances, soft kisses on knuckles, and shy smiles. They practically glided across the hotel lobby to the elevators.

Once alone in the elevator, Tessa turned to face Mariah, taking both of her hands and backing her up against the wall. They looked at each other for a moment before Tessa leaned in and kissed her so sweetly that Mariah felt her knees go weak; a common occurrence these days. The redhead’s left hand wrapped around Tessa’s hips while her right came up to cradle her face, finger tips gently playing at the hair behind her ear.

They reluctantly pulled away from each other when the doors to their floor opened. They made the trip down the hallway, hand-in-hand, with anticipation at their heels. Tessa found her key card quickly in the back pocket of her jeans and opened the door to their room. Once inside, she had the door closed and Mariah pressed up against it in record time. They kissed passionately, emotions at an all time high. Tessa turned them and started walking Mariah back towards the bed when she felt hands on her chest, gently pushing her back.

“Wait,” Mariah said, breathing heavily.

“Is something wrong?” Tessa asked, chest rising and falling as she also took in air.

“No, baby, nothing is wrong,” Mariah said, taking Tessa’s face in her hands to briefly reassure her before pulling back and motioning that they should sit on the bed.

“I just wanted to check in and make sure you’re really okay after what happened at the fest,” the redhead said as she sat down next to Tessa on the bed.

“Mariah,” Tessa smiled. “I am fine. Yes, it was scary, but for the first time in my life I stood up for myself. I feel like I have some of it back, that power that they took from me. I honestly feel amazing.”

“I am so proud of you,” Mariah smiled. “I also want to make sure you didn’t just agree to marry me because you thought you had to or because you were riding some kind of emotional high. It’s okay if you’re not ready.”

“Hm, I’m not sure,” Tessa immediately teased. “Maybe you should ask me again?”

Mariah smiled, her heart practically beating out of her chest. She stood up and made her way over to where her luggage was, quickly digging through her bag to find the small black box. Tessa watched from where she sat on the bed, her own heart beating a mile a minute.

Mariah turned around with a sheepish smile on her face. Tessa glanced down at the box in her hand before holding eye contact with her soon to be fiancé as she made her way back to the bed. She stopped just in front of her and got down on one knee. Tessa opened her mouth, about to tell her she didn’t need to kneel, but Mariah’s eyes made her stop. There they were, Tessa sitting on the edge of the bed looking down at Mariah. The tears were already starting.

“Tessa,” Mariah began, eyes wet and filled with love. “When I first met you I knew you were going to change my life. It was a long road to get here, but I would do it all again because it was worth it.” She smiled through her tears and paused to take a breath.

“I need you to know that,” Mariah said. “That everything we went through was worth it. I’ve not always been the best person, but finding Sharon and finding my family started me on the journey to being better. Not only did I find that last missing piece when I found you, but I was in a better place to be what you needed for your own journey.” Mariah paused to reach up and wipe at the tears falling down Tessa’s face before continuing. “And I am so proud of you. I want to spend the rest of my life loving you and honoring you. I want to share in your joys and your sorrows and anything else that comes along. I love you.”

Mariah paused, opening the box to reveal the ring. It was simple, yet breathtaking and Tessa couldn’t believe it was for her.

“Tessa Porter,” Mariah said, tears freely falling. “Will you marry me?”

Tessa’s hands came up to her face as she nodded, her voice suddenly stuck in her throat.

“Yes,” she managed to say. “Mariah, yes!”

The redhead surged up from her knees to kiss Tessa, her free hand cradling her face. Their tears fell between them as they smiled at each other. Mariah got up from the floor and sat on the bed next to her. She took Tessa’s left hand and placed the ring on her finger. They both looked down and admired it. 

“Mariah, it’s stunning,” Tessa said as she looked down at it. 

“Not nearly as stunning as the woman wearing it,” Mariah responded. She normally would cringe at herself for making such a sappy statement. But today, in this moment, she gave herself a pass. When Tessa looked up at her, her heart melted. 

“I can’t wait to be your wife,” Tessa said, hands coming up to frame Mariah’s face. The ring on her finger sparkled, but she couldn’t stop looking into Mariah’s eyes long enough to notice. The taller woman brought their lips together in their most intimate and meaningful kiss yet. 

Tessa pressed her body into Mariah, pushing her back onto the bed without breaking the kiss. As their tongues met, their hands pulled at each other’s clothes. It was passionate and needy, but not rushed. Mariah moaned as her hands made contact with the skin under Tessa’s shirt, lifting it off her head. Together they freed each other of their tops and bras, delighting in the feel of their bare chests coming together. Tessa pressed kisses to Mariah’s chest while she worked the button on her jeans. Sliding down her body, she pulled at the jeans until Mariah was free of them, taking her underwear off as well. Tessa then removed her own remaining clothing. 

Mariah sat up to kiss Tessa again, taking her hands as they came up to frame her face. Her fingers brushed over the ring on the other woman’s left hand and she pulled back to look at it. 

“It looks beautiful on you,” Mariah said, breathlessly. She looked into Tessa’s dark eyes, finding a combination of both love and lust, an irresistible melding of emotions that she was certain was also reflected in her own gaze. 

Keeping Tessa in a sitting position, Mariah lifted herself up so she was sitting in her lap facing her, chest to chest, her legs wrapping around her fiancé’s waist. The position put her a little more than eye level with Tessa, but their lips easily found each other. Mariah reached in between them to the source of Tessa’s arousal. In the many times that they have done this, she never tired of that first touch; the one where she discovers how wet Tessa is. It feels like a miracle every time because it all seemed so impossible when they first met. It always feels too good to be true and Mariah relishes the realization each time that it is true, that it’s real and not a dream. 

Tessa’s lips dropped to Mariah’s jaw and eventually her neck as she felt skilled fingers working against her. She pulled her in tight and moaned, her forehead dropping to Mariah’s shoulder. As Mariah kissed her head, she decided that her need to touch the redhead intimately was too overwhelming. Lifting her head, Tessa’s lips captured Mariah’s while her hand moved between them. As soon as her fingers made contact she felt Mariah’s legs tighten around her. She can feel the desperation in her kisses, the need Mariah has for her. 

As they moved together, they found it impossible for their lips to stay connected. They rested their foreheads together, eyes connecting, grounding them. When Mariah hit a particularly sensitive spot, Tessa’s head fell back briefly and she moaned approvingly. She brought her head back down to Mariah’s shoulder, turning it so she could kiss her neck. 

“Come with me,” she whispered into Mariah’s ear. It was something she felt often when they had sex; that need to reach their peaks together. Tessa loved knowing that when her inner walls clenched, so did Mariah’s. She wanted to feel everything her love was feeling, every bit of pleasure and happiness. She also knew the mere suggestion of it was more than enough to speed up Mariah’s release. 

“Ahhhh, baby,” Mariah moaned. Tessa smiled as she felt her legs wrap around her even tighter. She pulled back and rested their foreheads together again, silently encouraging Mariah to look into her eyes. It was like magic, the way they worked. As Tessa recognized the first signs of Mariah’s release she felt her own begin. As they locked eyes, Mariah’s moans fell from her open mouth, the intense pleasure too much for her to keep them in. Their fingers sped up their movements at the same time, mirroring what the other must be feeling. Hands between each other’s legs, they were wrapped around each other, moving together as they climbed higher. 

When Mariah came her face was angelic, at least that’s how Tessa saw it. It was more than enough to send her over the edge as well. They wrapped their free arms around each other, heads falling onto shoulders as they got as close as physically possible, riding it out for as long as possible. 

“Oh my God,” Mariah said breathlessly, pressing a kiss to Tessa’s shoulder as she relaxed in their embrace. Tessa removed her hand from between Mariah’s legs and pulled back. She grabbed her face with both hands and kissed her like her life depended on it while slowly pushing her back towards the pillows. Mariah unwrapped her legs from around Tessa’s waist and spread them once she was on her back to make room for Tessa between them. 

Tessa broke the kiss and started moving down the redhead’s body, her lips burning a trail as she went. She wasted no time in getting to her goal, tongue dancing over the inside of Mariah’s thighs before she turned her attention to the source of her desire. Mariah’s back arched off the bed as Tessa’s tongue got to work, her hands coming down to hold her head in place. Tessa loved this. She loved knowing that Mariah couldn’t get enough of her. But, this time felt a little different. She couldn’t exactly explain how, but she was pretty sure she knew why. 

With her left hand, Tessa removed one of Mariah’s hands from her head to interlace their fingers together beside them. She could feel Mariah’s fingers brush against the engagement ring and it made her feel even more connected, even more grounded. It was so incredibly intimate she thought her heart would explode. Mariah must have felt the same way. As soon as their hands became entwined her moans became louder. 

“God, babyyyy,” she moaned, back lifting off the bed. Before Tessa knew it, Mariah’s hips were moving erratically as her moans got more desperate. Tessa’s tongue followed along until her hips froze and then worked at making sure it lasted as long as possible.

 “Come here,” Mariah moaned, trying to catch her breath as the last waves of pleasure ran through her body. Tessa obeyed, crawling up Mariah’s body, lips caressing soft skin as she went. When they came face-to-face, Mariah launched up to claim her lips, still wet from their previous task. The moan she emitted at tasting herself sent a new rush of desire through Tessa’s body. Mariah must have felt it because before Tessa knew it her hand was between them and two fingers slipped inside of her. 

Tessa’s mouth opened as she moaned and dropped her head to Mariah’s shoulder. Feeling those fingers inside of her was always amazing, but it was especially wonderful after watching Mariah give into her own pleasure. She always felt renewed desire knowing she was the one making Mariah feel that way. 

Too tired to lift her head from Mariah’s shoulder, Tessa moved her hips up and down on her fingers. She knew her release was near. Mariah wrapped her other arm around Tessa’s back and turned her head to the side so she could see Tessa’s face.

 “God, I love you so much,” Mariah whispered to her as she felt the other woman tighten around her fingers. Tessa moaned her release into Mariah’s neck, gasping for breath. Hearing the “L” word during sex had never meant anything to her before. In fact, it usually killed the mood and she would end up having to fake it or worse yet, say “I love you” back when she didn’t mean it. The difference now is that she loves Mariah back. She’s never loved any of her previous partners. Their love always came with strings or expectations. Mariah’s love is so much more pure than that. With Mariah, she’s free to be herself. She doesn’t have to pretend in bed and better yet, she’s never wanted to. She’s pretended with other things, mostly with things pertaining to her past and the sexual abuse, but she’s never had to fake anything when it came to intimacy with the redhead.

Completely exhausted, Tessa slid her body off of Mariah, groaning when she felt her fingers slip out of her. She lay pressed against her side, head still resting on Mariah’s shoulder. The redhead took her hand and interlocked their fingers together, resting them on her stomach. 

“I love you, too,” Tessa said having finally caught her breath. Mariah chuckled and pressed a kiss to her head. Silence surrounded them for several more minutes. Just when Mariah was sure Tessa had fallen asleep, she spoke. 

“We’re getting married,” she said, a statement and not a question. 

“Hmmm yes we are,” Mariah replied. “Do you regret saying yes?” She stiffened a bit as she asked the question. 

“Of course not,” Tessa said. She leaned in to kiss Mariah’s neck. “I do have a couple of questions, though.” 

“Okay,” Mariah said, relaxing back into the mattress. 

“Do you think Sharon will be okay with this?” Tessa asked, her voice cracking just a little. “And, what about Noah? I don’t want to cause any more problems between you two.” 

“Sharon and Noah both want me to be happy,” Mariah answered. “I know you haven’t really had a chance to mend fences with Noah, but Sharon loves you. You and she have come a long way,” pausing, Mariah kissed her head again. “Also, I already told her I was planning on proposing and she was ecstatic.” 

“She was?” Tessa lifted her head from Mariah’s shoulder to look in her eyes. 

“Yes,” Mariah simply said, but it satisfied Tessa, whose head dropped back down to its previous position. 

“Should I take your last name?” Tessa asked. 

“Well, why wouldn’t I take yours?” Mariah teased. 

“Because I have no attachment to the name of the man who ruined my childhood,” she said sadly. Mariah used the arm Tessa was laying on to squeeze her tightly at the admission. It was quiet for a moment before Mariah spoke again. 

“You know, I have no attachment to the name Copeland, either,” she admitted. It was true. She had no attachment to the woman who raised her. When she first found out Sharon was her real mom, she didn’t want it to be true. Now, she’s so grateful to have her that she can’t imagine her life without her. 

“We’ll figure something out,” she assured Tessa. “Actually, all I care about is being your wife. The rest is just window dressing.” 

“You’re absolutely right,” Tessa said after a moment. Snuggling back into Mariah, Tessa closed her eyes and allowed her mind to daydream. She pictured flowers and white dresses. She imagined saying her vows to Mariah and looking out at all of their friends and family, including Crystal. She couldn’t get married without her little sister. They would have to figure out a way to include her without making her a target for law enforcement. 

Even the prospect of trying to keep her sister out of jail wasn’t enough to energize Tessa’s body, though, and she felt sleep creep up on her. She could tell by Mariah’s breathing that the redhead had already fallen asleep. Planting another kiss to Mariah’s neck, Tessa closed her eyes and happily welcomed the dreams that were to come, knowing they would be good dreams. Mariah had seen to that.

 

**Author's Note:**

> The title comes from Burnt Norton, a poem included in Four Quartets by T.S. Eliot. 
> 
> "To be conscious is not to be in time"


End file.
